Late Nights In Baltimore

James and Wynton

2:00 AM I drink my wine
2:00 AM Would you like to dine
2:00 AM Do I know the time
Jazz comes from the speakers on the floor
Moans come from the girl next door
2:15 Wynton's trumpet wails
2:30 The girl exhales
2:36 Jim Morrison calls
The wine in my blood makes me fall
Rain washes away the lines of chalk
It's a lovely night
Let's go for a walk
Rain will run through our hair
3:00 AM
An insomniac's nightmare


Breached

How can I Love again
You burned my soul with your sin
Now here She comes
Begging to get in
My bars are thick
My walls are high
She loves me so much
It makes her cry
I killed my Love
I watched it die
I burned that Love
I saw the smoke in the sky
Now Love calls my unlisted phone
I check the ID
It says "Unknown"
She promises me that I can trust
However your sins
Still linger like dust
That sits up high on cabinet tops
I can't get it with brooms
I can't get it with mops
Who's that outside
I'm calling the cops
She jumped the fence
She cut the bars
Get here fast
Spin the lights on the cars
She pulls out that Love .45
The bullet cuts through
I won't survive
She points the Love to her temple side
No One Here Gets Out Alive

Was It Safe To Say...Was It Right To Leave

As all three of my readers may know I'm moving to Baltimore this month. In keeping with the traditions of my current work place, I decided to have a going away party at the bar of my choice. I picked a date, picked the place, and sent out the "word". I choose my favorite bar in all the Norfolk Metropolitan area, O'Malley's Irish Pub. Being that I work in Virginia Beach, most of my co-workers live there too. So they would have to make the 15 mile trip to Norfolk. A lot of people said they would make it or at least try to, so I was looking forward to the "festivus".

Friday night comes along and I decide to wear my favorite Aloha shirt and I must say I'm looking damn good. I even show up fashionably late for my own going away party. I walk in about 9:00 PM and there are three people waiting for me. Well, I tell myself, it's still a little early for a night out. Long story short, the same three people that where there to begin with are the same three I closed the bar down with. What the F?

My personality is the type where I can get along with a wide variety of people, and therefore I thought that when I sent my invitation to that same group of people, that a majority would come out, but obviously not. What's strange is that I've always been like this, I've had a lot of people that I know and that know me and everyone seems to be cool with me, but I've never had people call me and see what I'm doing, I've had to track them down. No one every says "Lets see what Adam's up to." It's always "Hey, it's Adam. What are y'all doing." So what is it about my personality that makes me popular with out being popular? Many a times I've been told I'm a good man and that someone was real glad to know me. But no one calls me to go out and do stuff. The older I get the harder it is too, because I'm surrounded by married folks who tend to stay more domesticated when I'm ready to go out and chase. Of course my worries are diminishing the longer I'm with Lorena, I love being domestic and spending the night with my lady, but the friend situation is bothering me a little, I thought more people would come say goodbye.

Was it right to leave? I guess so!

Life Of Love (Eternally)

It started out as bliss
April to June are the days I miss
I still can see our first Kiss
To myself I made a wish
On the field I spilled out fears
We tried to imagine our careers
By The Fountain you shared my tears
We spent the weekends locked up so tight
Our school daze we broke out late night
On a dark road we saw a sight
We vowed to share love for all life

Eternally you used to say
I guess it doesn't go that way
Now I'm here all alone
Clearing memories from this home

By July I was on my way
August our memories fade
September the Image of Love was made
We made our love in Twenty Days
I held you close when you cried
I shared your pain way down inside
I begged alone to make it mine
Nothing could stop our time

Eternally you used to say
I guess it doesn't go that way
Now I'm here all alone
Clearing memories from this home

December brought unforgivable crime
No longer where you solely mine
Unto dark water I cried and cried
No longer was trust in mind
To bring it back I tried in Vain
It never would be same again
New Year brought a miracle sign
He could restore what once had shine

Eternally you used to say
I guess it doesn't go that way
Now I'm here all alone
Clearing memories from this home

Another year came to go away
You went back to your old game
I hid my self in doubt and shame
Said goodbye one hot summer day
Now we're here and your out there
Acting like you don't care

Our fountain
Is now cold and black
Our bench
Is scrapped out in the back
Our Room
Is closed
Our pondIs dry
Our Life of Love
Is dead from pride

Eternally you used to say
I guess it couldn't go that way
Now I'm hereI'm not alone
Making new memories
Making a new home

Sunday Morning Comin' Down

I'm here with my coffee and watching a "chick flick" (Boys on the Side), and I swear the longer I don't have a woman in the house, the more I'm becoming one. Maybe I'm slowly transforming into a schizophrenic, with my alter ego being the long lost woman companion. If I start dancing in front of a mirror in Silence of the Lambs style then there is cause to worry ("Hey mister! Your dog's hurt real bad!"). Now I'm wondering, do schizo's know they're schizo's? If they don't then I'm not a schizo I'm just strange. The other thing we'll have to watch out for is if I start watching The View, that would be pretty bad. I'll keep you posted.

There is, however, light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't a train. I met a girl. Her name is Lorena and we met last Fall at the work place and we talked when we saw each other there, but nothing more. There was always innocent flirting between us and finally we exchanged the usual phone numbers and e-mail. When we would call each other at night we'd talk for no less than an hour. We see each other at every possible moment and we talk every night before we each go to bed. Now all is going very well and I am absolutely crazy about this girl, but because of my past burnings, I am very hesitant to jump into this relationship and I'm always waiting for the world to cave in and get hurt again. It's my own sad little defense mechanism, if I know she's going to hurt me and I plan for such event, when it happens it'll be easier to deal with. I'm trying to tell myself that she didn't do this to me and I shouldn't be so guarded, Lorena tells me that too. She has got to be one of the most understanding and patient girls I've ever met, as hard as I'm trying to be open to her, I still regress on occasion and she doesn't get mad and argue with me she just tells me that it's alright and that helps a lot. I also told her up front that relationships scare me and I'm nervous. I also told her that I want to be open and vulnerable to her, and I am willing to work as hard as I have to to overcome my own fears and I think that helps her in coping with my brick walls surrounding my own Attica prison of my emotions. So yes, I am that crazy over this girl. I just hope that by me writing about it it doesn't jinx it!

Bobby D.

Hey Bobby Dylan
I wrote you a song
You pretty much wrote it
But I'm movin' it along
You wrote it back
In the early 60's
About a man named
Woody Guthrie
It was written for him
But you sang it for me
I heard it once
Comin' from my TV
Hey Bobby Dylan
Won't you sing it for me

Hey Bobby Dylan
I want you to know
What's goin on in the world
As she grows
The hard rain
Is still falling down
It gathers in puddles
All over the ground
Those cannon balls
They're still gonna fly
Those young men are still gonna die
Hey Bobby Dylan
Can you tell me why

Hey Bobby Dylan
Where are you today
I wonder what it is
You would say
If we keep going
Will this river
Keep flowing
Will our minds
Keep growing
Will we find a way

Hey Bobby Dylan
I wrote you a song

Hello, Is There Anybody Out There?

Does anyone still stop by this thing? If so leave a comment and I'll write some more...

Weekdays

I've enjoyed almost three days off from work because my little man has been sick. During that time I've really started to understand how much I enjoy getting out and working or playing. I've got some wicked cabin fever going on. I've taken time off work and some days Quentin and I sit around the house and do inside stuff, sometimes we go out and do outside stuff, but we have the choice and I know we have a choice. Not having a choice makes this whole situation worse! I've done the laundry that I save for Sunday, I've done the cleaning that I usually do Saturday morning. I'll try to look at the bright side of this though, if he's better, than we can have the weekend free of household chores.

I got into a small lighthearted debate with CJ yesterday and I got to thinking, she doesn't like men, I don't like women, she leans to the left, and I lean to the right, maybe we should get our own call in radio or TV show and make us both lots of cash. It would work only if the callers and guests on the show could get either of us to shut up first!

Other than that, I have nothing to rant about.

Adam Cusack

Since the weather here was so nice this weekend, Quentin and I went to the beach Friday and Saturday. We walked around on the boardwalk and the sand, had lunch at my favorite beach restaurant, and got some ice cream, which really made my lactose intolerant stomach do some flips, but it was still fun and worth it.

Today I decided to take out the old camera and head downtown and take some city scape pictures. I ended up shooting three roles of photographs in about three hours. Quentin had a good time bouncing about the city with Dad so it was a good father-son bonding day. We stopped at a deli and had a late lunch and headed back to the truck to get home for the race. Along the way we walked by Starbucks, and I was craving a Cafe au Lait so we dipped in and ordered one for me and a water for Quentin. The wonderful, cheerful folks behind the counter said they had to make a fresh pot, which I will never complain of a fresh pot of coffee, and they would call me when it was done. We headed over to a table to sit down for a little bit and I noticed an attractive girl doing some school work. She looked up and said hello and I returned the courtesy. She went back to her book and I went to get my coffee. While I was at the counter my ever flirtatious son struck up a conversation with our mystery college student, another reason why I love taking my son places. He introduced himself and asked what she was doing, she said she was reading for class. I come to find out she's going for her M.B.A., so she's attractive and educated.

We talked for a while and then Quentin said that he wanted to go home, after walking around Norfolk for a few hours, I didn't blame him. Quentin and I headed out the door all the while her and I keept looking back at each other. We got down the block and around the corner then my mind started working. "Why didn't you get a phone number or something?" "Gee, mind, I don't know!" I looked at my little man and said "Lets go back!" Quentin said "Yeah, lets go talk to that girl again." I love my little man! So we turn around to go back and maybe invite her to grab dinner or something. When I get back to Starbucks, she was gone. Table cleaned off, not a single sign of her.

I looked up and down the street, and nothing. We walked a little bit, thinking maybe she was around the corner and again, nothing. So now I'm having images of each of us looking for each other and we're passing each other on opposite sides of the block and we both give up at the same time and head off in opposite directions. Then images of all the John Cusack movies I have ever seen start to run through my head. I then decided that this is going to be the summary of my love life from now on, The Cusack. When my family asks me how is my love life, I will answer, "It's Cusack."

So, Sarah, if you happen to come across this, hope to see you again, leave a message, give me a call, do anything so I can stop being Cusack and start being Costner.

The DVD In Black

About six years ago I went to a pawn shop in Jacksonville, NC and bought a generic DVD player for $50.00. This year, the Little DVD Player That Could, finally decided that it couldn't anymore. After a couple months of procrastination I headed on down to Best Buy to find a new movie watchin' companion. I wandered around the store, compared bells and whistles, compared prices, and finally settled on a Toshiba DVD/VCR combo. I grabbed the box, a couple CD's, and headed to the register to pay for my new forms of entertainment. When I got home I untangled all the cords and hooked it up to the TV and stereo, so far so good. I then put a disc in to make sure all systems where go (Remote response? Check. Picture? Check. Sound? Check.) so far so good. I didn't watch the whole movie, I just watched long enough to make a function check. The new DVD player sat idle until Tuesday, the whole reason I replaced the other player this week, the shortly awaited release of Walk The Line.

I never got to see Walk The Line while it was in the theaters, and after discovering Johnny Cash's music this past summer, I wanted to check it out both for the subject matter and because of the rave reviews it has been receiving since it's release. Tuesday came around and I picked up the movie, got it home, and put the new DVD player to work, and work it did, for about 15 minutes. The picture froze, which isn't a big deal as long as it recovers and moves along. However it didn't come back. I ejected the disc and tried again, with no luck.
Mr. Toshiba says, "There is no disc in this player!"
"But there is a disc Mr Toshiba!"
"No there isn't!"
Now I'm getting angry! Now I'm starting to curse inanimate objects! I try again! Nothing! I ended up watching my new shortly awaited movie on the 11 inch screen of my portable DVD player, that I got for Quentin and our road trips, propped upon the coffee table, not on my 36 inch TV with surround sound.

Wednesday when I got home from work I packed up Mr Toshiba and headed back to Best Buy. I wasn't angry at the Best Buy folks, as some Oblivions would be, it isn't their fault. I walked to the customer service counter where the associate told me to go get myself another DVD player. This time I decided to go to Sony. While I was looking at the DVD/VCR combos again, I got to thinking, am I really going to use the VCR side? No, I won't. So, single DVD it is. The Sony was $20.00 cheaper than the combo which was put back on my card and I, of course, spent it right away on another couple of Johnny Cash CD's, it just seemed appropriate.

I'm overjoyed to report that the Sony is working like a charm and Walk The Line was a great movie, the story was great and the fact that the actors played the instruments and sang the songs themselves, not pulling a Milli Vanilli, made it all the more enjoyable and I hope it does well at the Academy Awards tonight. I'm also starting to understand why someone once said there are two types of Johnny Cash fans, those that are and those that will be one.

How The West Wing Was Lost

This was something that I've been meaning to write about for a while now, the cancellation of The West Wing. As much as I hate to see it actually happen, I've seen this coming. (Just a note, NBC talked of ending the show even before John Spencer died.) The shows creator, Aaron Sorkin, left the show either last season or one before, either way, when he left the show went down the proverbial toilet. The guy they left in charge of the show is the same mastermind behind the ER debacle. Their idea of television is "the next most shocking moment in television" and they feel they have to throw these things at us to keep us watching. News flash NBC, you don't. I looked forward to that show, actually both of those shows, every week, and that was before the "most shocking moment in television history" that happened every week, that was magically wrapped up by the first 20 minutes of the show and then on to the "next most shocking moment" set up for next week. I tuned in for the characters, the story lines, and the dialogs, that Sorkin was pretty much responsible for. It was smart humor that didn't insult my intelligence, but wasn't above me either. I loved Josh Lymon's come backs:

Donna: You're a powerful man.
Josh:(pause) Yes, thank you!

Donna: How did you know that?
Josh: Because I know everything

I loved Bartlett's strange sayings to the next visitor to the Oval who had no idea what he was talking about, because it was a joke about the previous event that the new visitor had no idea about.

Bartlett: We're getting high on lawn mower exhaust now[or something like that]
Fitzwallace: Are you guys getting strippers or something?

I know that the real White House is nothing like this, but it entertained me. The story lines where simple and easy to follow week to week. The very first episode dealt with the president falling off his bicycle, the latest "shocking moment" a nuclear reactor problem threatening to blow up half of San Diego. Come on, there is enough crap like that in the world that people are already living with this idiotic sense of fear, that's the last thing they need, more fear from their prime time line up.

So farewell West Wing, I'll miss the early years and I'll have my DVD's and Bravo to keep those memories alive. As for the "Post-Sorkin Era", you've got no one to blame but your producer. NBC do us a favor and kick this guy off your sets. That's two good shows he's ruined.

Answers For Jocelyn (Because I don't know how to work your journal)

High School - Yes we sort of did go to high school together, I was there for one year. If you have your 95-96 edition of the year book, what ever it is called, turn to the freshmen and you will find me listed as Kenneth Pepwick, even though that is no where near my name. There isn't even a kid with that name in the school that year, so it wasn't just a casual mistake of name swapping. That guy flat out didn't exist, but I got his name. I left after that and returned to Pennsylvania.
Skating - I first started watching in 1992 when Kristi Yamaguchi was the phenom at the Olympics and was hooked from then on. Even back then I had a problem with commentators. Caryn Kadavy and I share the same home town.
Dating - I know I don't have to date and I don't have a problem persay with being single. I'm very co-dependent and like being in a relationship. Part of the problem is that I always feel weird hanging out with my friends who are 99% married. I don't know if it's the military or what but a lot of them seem to be married young and even my "civilian" friends are mostly married or in a serious relationship. So I'm always the squeaky third or fifth wheel. That's not the primary reason of course, but it's up there.

So feel free to stop by and leave comments, I'm always happy to know that others are reading.

Life In Lyrics

Pick A Band/Musician and Use Their Song Titles For the Answer

Artist: Dave Matthews

[1] Are you male or female? Jimi Thing
[2] Describe yourself? Some Devil
[3] How do you feel about yourself? Proudest Monkey
[4] Describe what you are thinking right now? Crush
[5] Describe your current girlfriend? Pay For What You Get
[6] Describe where you currently live? Busted Stuff
[7] If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Grey Street
[8] What would you ask for if you had just one wish? Hunger For The Great Light
[9] You know that: So Much To Say
[10] What's the weather like? Typical Situation
[11] If your life was a television show, what would it be called? Stay Or Leave
[12] What is life to you? Last Stop
[13] What is the best advice you have to give? Cry Freedom
[14] If you could change your name, what would you change it to? American Baby

Get Off My Fence!

Jealousy is a mother isn't it? Here I am jealous of someone's lifestyle who I'm sure is just as jealous of mine. I'm sure that not everything I'm told is true, but it makes me jealous and I think that my jealousy makes them happy in some strange way. All the while, they are feeling the same way I am. Yet, here we both are wanting what the other has and not getting it. People always take what they have for granted, it's human nature I think. The grass is always greener, but, when we jump the fence we land in cow shit most of the time. So why then do we keep fence hopping yard to yard? I guess you could argue that if we don't we'll never advance in the world. If we were not willing to take a chance we would be stuck in our "Allentown" for the rest of our lives. Content with our spouse, 2.5 children, cat, dog, three bedroom, 1 and half bath, white picket fence house, but we would never take our nuclear family and move them to that house on the hill. There is a flip side to that coin though, we always run the risk of making a bad choice and jumping not only into the cow shit but the junk yard dog as well. Some people can use those as learning experiences and know not to go into Old Man Johnson's yard anymore, but some of us get stuck there and don't know how we got into that scary place. So here I am writing to people I don't know are reading except for two and one of them I know very well, while the other I'm trying to reconnect with, reconnect because I think I hopped the wrong fence. The past always has that effect on me, I like to say I don't regret anything I've done, but I think I do more than I want to admit. I ask the higher power, who ever it may be, why did certain events happen to me, why did I go left and not right and the other way around. I've been told that you shouldn't do that and it's not good for you, but F.O. because I am doing it and will continue to do it, it's me, it's Adam. I still keep plugging away at life and I keep an eye on what is behind me, but I don't walk backwards. Maybe along the way I can right the wrongs and who knows what gate may be opened up to me and I can walk into the yard instead of risking bodily harm by falling off the fence. I know that I'm on the right path and that I'm destined to be better than the one I'm jealous of, but sometimes you wonder. That yard has all the toys and latest swingset and all the kids are laughing and playing games, while my yard is small with only a couple kids and a rusty swing set. Let's flip the coin again and look at it from their yard, they may be thinking that all those kids are only there for the new toys and superior swing set and that the few kids on the rusty set seem to be having so much more fun, because they really are friends and not just yard crashers who will move along when the next model swing set comes out in someone else's yard. Then again maybe none of this makes any sense to anyone who happens to stop by and it's just the merlot talking. At least I know what I'm talking about though...

"Turning back, she just laughs, the boulevard is not that bad"
"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had"

Ranting

Sasha and the Trash Barge

It's 9:23 and about my bedtime (insert pathetic joke here) but I'm watching the figure skating championships on ESPN 2 (The Ocho! If you saw Dodgeball you'll get the joke) while surfing the web. Q is in bed singing to himself and it's pretty cute in a way, and I can't stop laughing about it, even though I should tell him to get some sleep. I've gone to the kitchen a poured myself a glass of wine and my favorite, Sasha Cohen, is up...a very good performance in my humble uneducated opinion. It's the highest scoring one so far.

I love figure skating, I love the gracefulness of it and watching people do something that I can't do. I hate it when the commentators have to tell me what is wrong with every single performance though. Shut Up! Let me enjoy the talent and the music and I don't care if they missed the skate placement of their triple luggy trachiotomy. I know I couldn't do it, so shut up and let me enjoy it. Talk in between the skater's show, talk while the judges write on their cards, talk during something I don't care about. It's like the time I was in Baltimore staying on my unlce's sailboat, which was docked in the Inner Harbor. There I was watching the sun rise over the downtown buildings, the city was waking up, traffic was starting to move, and it was the perfect summer morning. Those of you that know me know that I love cities. I love high rise glass and concrete. I couldn't have asked for anything better when all of a sudden a trash barge comes rambling along filling the air with some foul smell and horrible noise, I was in Baltimore so only God knows what or who was in that pile making that smell so bad. It shattered the tranquility of the morning. That's what these morons are like to me, shattering the tranquility of Sasha Cohen's performance.

Web Love

While I was on the internet I typed in the wonderful Google box "Dating Sucks" because, well, recently it does for me. I hate being single and as much as I try to convince myself I'm better off alone, I just know I'm not. Sorry C.J., I'm trying and I can't take it. Anyway, I'm going to Pittsburgh next month with a group to go to see my beloved Penguins hockey team. I was all excited about it until someone made a joke, the didn't mean any harm by it, but, it was about me being "El Cinco". What is that? Well it is me because I am going with a group of four, two couples. Two happy relationships and me, Ole Cinco, the spare fith wheel that sits under the mats in your trunk.

As much as I hate being single, I hate the dating game even more; a terrible dilemma, I know. I hate how fake the "dating game" is. Right there, we call it a game. A game is supposed to be fun, this isn't fun. Let's look at a typical first date, no, let's start before that, let's go back to the first impression. Boy sees Girl, Girl sees Boy, in a split second a terabyte of thought goes through each of their minds. Thoughts about attraction, physical features, sub-conscience thoughts about sex, marriage, children; yes it does go that deep with a first impression. We're talking biological stuff now and each of us have instinct to reproduce, even if we never do or we deny those thoughts. So let's say that this person meets your standards, let the games begin. Now you have to get courage to talk to Her, I say her because I'm a Him and because even 50 years post Dwight and Mami Eisenhower, it's still up to the man to make the first move. As I make my approach the first impression is still being made, and I have to not act like an idiot, but not like an ass either. So I strike up a conversation, which is either going to go one of two ways, either complete acceptance or complete rejection. Are we having fun yet? I'm going to give Him the benefit and figure that there is acceptance. Maybe phone numbers are exchanged, here comes some more game day strategy, how long do I wait to call? I don't want to seem like I don't care, but I don't want to seem so desperate. Girls like assholes, so maybe I should act like I don't care, but I really like her. Two days, no wait, make it three, yeah three, good solid odd number, but I really want to talk to her...oh fuck it, it's probably the wrong number anyway. Am I starting to sound like a John Cusack movie yet? So you call, how many days you waited is up to you, and you get the dreaded voice mail (please insert some heavy dramatic music), her message starts telling you how she can't come to the phone right now, yadda, yadda, yadda. Meanwhile your head is racing, what do I say? Your back to the good guy/asshole routine again. Should I leave a message at all? I'll just hang up and...Too late! BEEP! "Duh Duh Uhh this is ____ Just calling you, uhh, I guess your not around (No shit dummy, hence the voice mail) I guess I'll talk to you later or you can call me...Uhhh, bye." Oh the Mighty Case struck out. What an idiot! Guess what Gentle Reader? We haven't even got to the first date yet and we're assuming that He even had the courage to talk to Her in the first place and not go back to his hole and say how hot she was. Welcome to my world!

Granted that was an elaboration, but not to far from the truth. Some of the articles I read are telling me all these dating "rules" that contradict eachother and tell me to put on this fake persona. I'm pretty personable, but also shy. That's who I am. This rules tell me to change who I am to get a girl. Why, so she can find out later that she doesn't like the real me? I have a friend who when he and his wife where dating used to go out a lot. He likes going out, she doesn't, but she covered up this fact to make him happy. They got married and she wanted to stay home. Why was this not brought up earlier? The point is this, let's be honest up front and make the world a lot easier to date in. Take my situation of parenthood in to account and it gets even worse.

Of course when I'm not looking, then she'll be there. What a bunch of crap that is. How do you take a hopeless romantic and tell him to stop looking? Maybe that's a question that can never be answered, but who the hell knows? Maybe She does...

Quiet Observations

I'm sitting at work drinking my coffee and pondering life's meaning. OK I'm not pondering it's meaning, but I'm in a quiet mood today and for those that know me pretty well know I'm not always quiet. However because of my quiet mood I'm being bombarded by questions as to the state of my well being. "Are you O.K.?" "Is everything alright?" "You don't seem like your normal self, anything you want to talk about?" While I appreciate the concern it really isn't needed. Can't I just be quiet and thoughtful for a day instead of loud and proud? If I come across someone who doesn't show signs of wanting conversation for what ever reason I tend to just tell them I'll talk to them later and leave it at that. Every time I'm quiet I get the inquisition. I don't really have a reason for my quietness, I've got stuff on my mind, but nothing that I would lose any sleep over and certainly nothing that I would share with people I see at work.

Which makes me think of something else. We spend more time with co-workers than we do our own families, yet they are some of the people we know the least about. How odd is that? One would think I'd know more about these folks because my desk is right across from theirs and we damn near stare at each other all day, but I couldn't tell you very much about them, not much more than what the pictures on their desks give away. If you where to look at my pictures and try to figure out what I was all about you'd probably guess I'm a parent because I've got pictures of the boys. You'd figure I'm a race fan, because I've got a picture of Stewart that I got out of a race magazine. I've got a Snoopy comic strip, some funny quotes and pictures, three fortune cookie papers, and a group picture of my command. All together that doesn't even really start to tell you who I am, strange how that works. Maybe I should find out one new fact a day on my co-workers, but then I may find out something I don't want to know. Maybe I'll leave things the way they are.

Happy Christmas, Merry New Year

What a year 2005 was both personally and for the rest of the world, I'm not going to sit here and rattle off a bunch of "highlights" from the year past, because this is the week every year that we get bashed in the face with the "best of/worst of" shows on every media outlet. Even the news networks jump on the band wagon with the year in headlines shows. You all know what happened this year and you all should definitely know what happened in your own lives. No reason to add another twenty "O" five review.

I went home for Christmas this year and I am very happy I did. I got to see joy on my children's faces when they saw what Daddy Claus had left them under the tree. I got to see four generations of family interacting and enjoying each others company. I re-connected with members of said family that I haven't talked to in over five years. That, to me, is what Christmas is all about.

As many of you know I have my issues with religion lately and so therefore I didn't go to church on Christmas day, I mean if I'm not going to show up the rest of the year, why show up on one day to make myself feel better. I instead look at Christmas as a time that starts around Thanksgiving and goes through New Years Day that I spend time with family that I don't get to see much and remind my self just how lucky I am that I have the ability to do that. That there are people out there who don't have a family like I do. I don't look at it as something to be politicized like it has been lately. I don't look at it as something that should be commercialized like it has been for so long. I just spend time with those I love and leave it at that.

New Years always brings resolutions and we usually do well for about a week and then throw them by the wayside so I decided to make mine something achievable. I'm going to finish my degree and I'm going to read more books. I'm going to have a new appreciation for mankind's creative side. I'm going to have more confidence in my self. I'm going to take better care of my self. These things are all pretty easy to accomplish and if I don't stick to it I think it's because I didn't really want to in the first place.

Happy Holidays, what ever it is you celebrate, and try to make this year better than the last.

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy

December 8, 1980 one man was born as another died. John Lennon was shot outside his apartment in New York City while on the other side of the state in a small hospital in Jamestown I was born. In no way are these two events linked, other than the day, but I've always shared some sort of attachment to John Lennon, I can't explain it very well but I know it's there, maybe our souls passed on the great escalator in the sky or something. Maybe my soul said good morning to his soul as we passed the "gates of heaven" like two people crisscrossing in an elevator door. It's something I've always felt, even in the earliest stages of my life. I've always been drawn to his writing, songs, and various statements made through out his life. Now I don't live my life according to Lennon, but I try to pass along the same statements, because I share his believes and a good many views on the world that he had as many others did, and still do. His songs have always been part of my life and intertwined with it. When we started seeing flag covered caskets coming back from Iraq, some of them my friends, I played Imagine. Many nights before I put my son to bed I sing Beautiful Boy to him, while he giggles at his goofy Daddy. When my marriage failed I sang Jealous Guy. When I met another I sang (Just Like) Starting Over. My son begs me to play Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds when we're driving so we can sing along, he only knows the chorus, but he's getting there. There are many other examples I could give, but the point is made and I'd go on all night and it is after all, my birthday. Now that I'm trying to take up my own musical adventure I take a lot of influence from John. I don't try to duplicate, because there will never be another John Lennon, just like there will never be another me. We are all our own person and we should all strive to be our own person, but there is nothing wrong with looking to others for guidance and inspiration. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

Was he perfect? No, he was just simply a man. He simply did what he felt was right and stood by what he thought was right. That, my friends is something that I admire greatly. That is something that I've tried to do for a good portion of my life. I admire John Lennon for what he said during his life even though it was often looked upon in a negative light. All he tried to do was pass along his views on the world and hopefully a few others would come along and join in. Those views where simply love and peace. How could someone shoot a man who sang about love and peace? Here we are 25 years later and his messages are just as relevant today as they where when they where new. All you need is love. You could have many unhappy things in your life, but if your loved it doesn't seem so bad for some reason. All we are saying is give peace a chance. Everyone on this planet could benefit from that statement. We've become so numb to violence because it's been around since we where made, but what if there where Nothing to kill or die for?

Happy Birthday.

"we all shine on, like the moon and the stars and the sun"
-John Lennon

Lethal Beauty

The San Francisco Chronicle did a seven part series about the high number of suicides of people jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge and the debate to put a barrier up to try to prevent this. This is a follow up from a piece the New Yorker did on the same subject. I've never been to that point in my life where I just wanted to end it all, but I know people who have, some have gotten all the way and ended it, some have just tried. We had a student who suffocated himself here a few years ago and I've had a reversal of my view on suicide because it really brought it home for some reason. Maybe because he was like me in personality, career choice, etc. but, I used to say "Let 'em do it! Who cares?" but then I thought about someone saying that about my child and I couldn't imagine letting that happen. So take time to read this and think about it. It can happen to any age, gender, race, or income level, in short it can be anyone.

http://www.sfgate.com/lethalbeauty/

Tell Me What You Don't Like About Yourself

This is the recurring phrase from, in my opinion, the best show on television right now, "Nip/Tuck". Lately I have been wondering about T.V., why it has gone down the entertainment crapper and then I discovered FX's shows. There big ones are "Nip/Tuck", "Rescue Me", and "The Shield". I'm not big on "The Shield", but "Rescue Me" and "Nip/Tuck" are creating a little revival of T.V. for me. With all the fake "reality" that's dominating the coaxial lines lately I found myself watching less of the box in the past couple years; I can't stand to watch people stoop to new lows for a price tag, but that's another rant.
This past summer I stumbled upon "Rescue Me" and was hooked immediately. The writing was brilliant and the acting was fantastic. The show centers around Dennis Leary's character of Tommy who is a New York City fireman. Tommy battles with personal demons of a failed marriage, alcoholism, friend betrayal, and, like any good sibling, a relationship with his dead brother's wife. On the surface it my not seem like a good show, but until you watch a few episodes, don't be to quick to judge.
When the season of "Rescue Me" ended "Nip/Tuck took it's time slot (Tuesday's 10:00 PM EST). Mom has watched this show for a few years now and I decided it was worth a peep. Now, I cannot wait for Tuesday nights. I thought that "Rescue Me" was brilliant, well this one is on another level completely. The basis for this show is two plastic surgeons in Miami who are surrounded by a world that wants to be beautiful and with our human obsession with putting on beautiful faces to hide our ugly souls it fits right in with modern society. The writers on this show piece together a story line that even a jigsaw puzzle couldn't top. Almost every line has a meaning. Every patient's issue ties into the bigger issue in each episode that Sean and Christian, the surgeons, are dealing with.
I don't know who is writing for these shows, but maybe they can moonlight with NBC to get the "West Wing" back on track. That show has gone over the top with stupidity. That has always been NBC's problem. I used to love "ER", but it went from being a mild drama to being way past the realm of belief. NBC feels it has to go bigger with more effects and "twists" that it almost seems like they are taking ideas from the mailman at Rockefeller Plaza. I know that TV and movies are going to be a stretch of reality by nature. That's what keeps us attached, living out a fantasy that we know would never happen, but we wish it would and the characters can do it for us, but, sometimes I get to the point where I just don't buy it any more. So now the "West Wing" has gone the way of George Clooney and Anthony Edwards "ER" reruns that I watch with fond memories. Hopefully FX doesn't follow NBC's example of trying to keep people watching.
So, "tell me what you don't like about your self" and let Sean and Christian and the writers of "Nip/Tuck" make you say; "Holy shit!" every Tuesday at 10:59 PM. Then your hooked.

Urban Cowboy

I haven't written anything in a long time, and I have the feeling people don't even stop by anymore. I guess it's because nothing has really peaked my interest lately. I don't have any emotional filled rants to give. So...
Last week I went to Havelock, NC, home of Marine Corps Air Station Cherry Point. That was so desolate and sad looking. I've gotten so used to the "big city" that small towns make me laugh. I don't know if I could take living in small town U.S.A. anymore. Although part of me wants to live in a place where my biggest problem or fear is the politics at the Mason Lodge, but part of me loves the feel of the urban. The traffic, the noise, the glass and concrete, sometimes even the anonymity of the city. I love the diverse cultures of the shops and restaurants. The choices of entertainment, the fact that there is entertainment. I'm sure as I move along in life I'll want the quiet life, but right now I'm drawn to places like Atlanta, Charlotte, Miami, Tampa, and even New Orleans, when it dries out and is rebuilt, better than before I'm sure. I had thought of moving to New Orleans earlier this year, I guess I'll have to wait, but I still just might make it happen. I fell in love with the Crescent City when I was there and I can't wait to go back again, even if it's only for a visit, because then the novelty doesn't wear off.