Low Tide

There's happiness on that side of town
I dropped mine somewhere on the ground
My eyes are always looking down
I need a hand back up
I need to hear your sound

Can you give up what I need
From this pain I need relief
I got a match and gasoline
Can you save me from me

I saw you out the other day
I couldn't think of what to say
I just wanted to touch your face
I want to know what is my place
I'm think I'm falling back
I cannot win this race

Can you give up what I need
From this pain I need relief
I got a match and gasoline
Can you save me from me

My inner demons stepped outside
I tried to surf in low tide
I gave up before I tried
I want you here by my side
I've got some extra cash
Lets go for a ride

Can you give up what I need
From this pain I need relief
I got a match and gasoline
Can you save me from me

At the Ole Ball Game

Today is baseball day so Quentin and I are headed to Camden Yards with the little league where the teams get to walk around the field before the game which I can't wait to see. This will be the second major league game I've been to in my life. The first was in Pittsburgh about ten years ago. I wonder how Quentin will do with the game being that baseball is not the fastest moving sport and my son has an attention span of about 30 minutes. Hopefully we'll make it through the whole game.

Do It Like They Do On The Discovery Channel

Ever since I was a little Adam I have been fascinated by the likes of the Discovery, History, National Geographic, and Learning channels. I will sit and watch a two hour feature on migratory birds with out even flinching. If there is a "Modern Marvels" marathon, I'm in my glory. Call for pizza and wings, because Daddy isn't cooking tonight! I can't dare miss this program telling me how the Empire State Building was made. Granted it isn't that bad, but you get the point.

One of my favorites was a BBC documentary series done about five years ago called "Blue Planet" that looked at all the ocean life at the different depths and how there is life on this planet in even the harshest environments. So when I saw the adds for another BBC and Discovery project called "Planet Earth", I had my DVR set and ready. This one is an eleven part series that covers every climate and continent on Earth. The thing I liked best about it was that unlike other wild life docs it stressed the beauty and complexity of our planet and not the state of it. There are a few conservation messages throughout however and while I do support protecting the planet as much as we can, I don't want to get bashed about the head and face with it.

Over all you'll be happy to know that it's business as usual in the woods and while there are a few hang ups here and there most of the species are doing what they do on this planet, come and go. There are a few species that are endangered and while some of that may be contributed to us it really is what has been going on for millions of years. Animals evolve and some of them get left in the dust called extinction. After all when did last see a dodo bird?

Doped On TV

Starting this past Saturday I started the annual Spring cold. I always get at least one of these this time of year when the weather starts to act unpredictable. I went from wearing shorts to wearing my parka in the course of a week, feels like I never left Buffalo. However Saturday was fine and I even managed to go out that night. Sunday was the storm before the calm. I was stiff and would go from cold to hot and back to cold. All I wanted to do was pop cold medicine and watch bad TV. Unfortunately couldn't do these things because I had to drive to the great town of Breezewood, PA to pick up Quentin.

The drive up was alright but the drive home was horrible! I was drinking so much water and orange juice that I had to stop twice during the two hour trip. I got home and unleashed Quentin to the toys and I dozed on the couch while watching the race and then the hockey game. Those events didn't bring much relief from my non-breathing misery, Fat Tony spun twice and broke his racecar and the Penguins lost 4-2 to the Senators. My only joy came from taking Sudafed and having some of the strangest dreams and half conscious thoughts throughout the night. It was a long night of waking up and trying to sleep again.

Tonight I'm going to try NyQuil and my sleep should be much better!

The 5th Became The 6th

I have a rare day off during the work week and here I sit typing at 8:15AM. I do this because I was awoken around 7:00AM with a feeling of panic. I did that because yesterday was the 5th of April and that is the last day that my rent can be paid with out receiving a late charge and I'm certain you get some kind of "nasty gram" telling you that your rent is over due and you're a very bad person! For some reason every month I wait until the 5th to drop my rent in the box that is in the leasing office. I feel like the longer I wait the more money I'll have. It's a strange thing I know but the more I can look at an ATM reciept and see more money in the balance the happier I am.

This morning my body clock woke up around 6:00 and I reassured myself that I did indeed have the day off and it was safe to go back to sleep. I wandered back off to dream land and then shot up around 7:00 realizing that if I had the day off that it was the 6th and I knew that no trip to the office has been made on the 5th. I got up and proceeded to get dressed in a funny color combination of blue Adidas pants, white shoes, light blue shirt, green fleece , and a black hat. I get an envelope to put the check in and I go to the truck to get my check book. Since Maryland can't make up it's mind of what season it wants it's about -20 outside and that causes the pen in my truck to not want to write. I don't have time for this! They're going to be in the office soon, I think anyway, I really don't know. I take my rainbow of clothes and my gaggle of paper and back to the house. I fill out my check, put it in the envelope, tell Quentin I'll be right back, and step out into the tundra again. I walk over to the office, drop my rent in the box, head back home against the wind making the cold even colder, and now all is right with the world...until May 5th that is.

I Love The 90's

You know, those days really don't seem that long ago. I mean sometimes they do, but sometimes it seems like last night. When I get caught up in my day to day life, it seems long ago. When I hear a song or see something that reminds me of that time period, it doesn't seem like we got so grown up so fast. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, growing up that is, and I always said that there would be no regrets in my life and to some extent that's still true, but looking back, there are things I'm sorry I didn't do. Do you do that to or is it just me? I feel like I'm missing out on things because I didn't spend my 20's like someone on the real world with a great social life and lots of going out. It's almost like the reality of careers, bills, family, and getting older make it seem like I missed out. Then I have to ask did I miss something?

To Be Continued...(Because I want some sleep!)

I Love The 80's

I got Sirius Satellite radio and I couldn't be happier! No more commercials, I've got somewhere around 200 channels to choose from, and I get my Howard Stern show back. Last week I programed all my presets so that way I'm not scanning through around 200 channels looking for the ones I really want. I've been stuck on "The Big 80's" and "1st Wave" for almost a month now though. I'm out of the new music scene because I'm too busy buying The Clash, The Cure, and INXS from iTunes. Someone told me how great their new Chris Daughtry CD is and I almost asked if they had heard that new one from The Clash. So is this an age thing, discovering new music that at least twenty years old? Is this like Seinfeld, I hated the show when I was young but I love it now that I'm in my mid-twenties?

I Hate ___________

I don't know if it made the CNN or Fox networks this past week, but all over ESPN former NBA player Tim Hardaway said "I hate gay people!" He said this because he was asked about another former player who has recently come out after spending his entire career hiding his sexuality. Now I don't agree with Tim Hardaway, I like gay people myself they have some of the best bars I've ever been to plus I get a few free drinks there, however I am so proud that someone was brave enough to get on TV and say what they felt.

I'm so sick of this politically correct world we live in where everything is an issue. We live in an age where everything you say could be taken the wrong way when you truly didn't mean anything by it. Like that guy from New Jersey or somewhere who decided to run for president and when asked about Obama said something about him being articulate and some other stuff, but the word that got him in trouble was "clean". When I first read that statement I thought he meant clean record, clean cut (the guy does always look good), or basically another way of saying classy. I don't know what he really meant, and I don't care, but everyone took it to mean that this guy thought all black people where "dirty" and couldn't speak. Only he knows for sure what his statements meant, but I didn't see the big deal. I say we scrap all the political correct B.S. and say what we feel. I know that there will always be groups who don't like other groups for whatever reason, but at least we'll always know where we stand. I thought about it before I started writing and I couldn't think of a group that I hate. I don't hate anyone and I'm pretty sure that the majority of people don't have a problem with any groups either.

Way to go Tim Hardaway, you may take some flak, but at least that gay publicist knows not to ask you for a job! I respect you for letting everyone know where they stand.

What The Hell?

As you can see I changed the page look. Why? Because I had this black and white thing going on that was so damn depressing and I am so sick of seeming so damn depressed! The new background is more fun and my favorite part: if you look at the top it has part of a subway map. I don't know why I like that so much, but that is what sold me on it. So no more "Oh boo hoo! She left me for some other guy who is better in bed than me or something." Because, truth be told, I can be very good, you just just have to have sex first; but that's a whole other rant.

So there you have it folks. I have faced my new reality and it is that no matter how much I didn't want to come, I moved to Baltimore and it's time to make the best of it. No matter how much it hurt, I got divorced and got dumped and it's time to move the hell on. Stop whining and pouting and get back in the now! I'm sure I'll get dumped again and I'm sure I'll dump a poor girl too, either way it will hurt for a spell but I will be fine and I will take what comes in stride.

The Tao Of MySpace

Error: You must be someone's friend to make a comment about them.

Out and About

I decided to venture out into my new surroundings these past couple weeks, I'm so glad I waited until the weather got warm! We've only had a high of 40 or so, but hey, better late than never or something like that. We did have one warm day and Quentin and I headed down to D.C. via the Metro (that's what they call a subway here) and roamed around the Capital building and the mall in general. We stopped by the National Archive because that's one of the few places I have never been to on my numerous trips to Washington and because it was free to get into plus I had to pee and I knew there would be a bathroom in there. I thought it was great to see the Declaration of Independence and Constitution, but Quentin was bored and tired and therefore had to through fits and whine about being there so we didn't stay too long.

Now as I have wrote before, I love big cities and being in the heart of them makes me happy except for one thing, homeless people! Call me what you want and tell me that I should be understanding of their problem or something, but they smell and are gross and I don't like them. We saw one on our way to the Metro station and he was sitting on bench and didn't bother us but he had a cup and next thing I hear is the cup being filled while it was sitting in his lap. So here I have just come out of the building where our nations documents are on display and my best memory is of a guy peeing in a cup. Maybe next time I have to pee I'll just use a cup instead of going to a museum.

Not A Great Poet (Lorena's Song)

Just a note about this one, I've been sitting on this for a while trying to decide if I should publish it or not. I figure that I've kept nothing else from you all, so why start now? This was adapted from a letter that I received this past summer, so I can't take all the writing credit on this one, she did most of the work, I just made it rhyme. I was burned pretty bad and this might hurt, but maybe publishing it is the best way to get over it, I guess we'll see... -Adam

Everyday I look above
And I thank God
I'm blessed with our love
The very thought of how
You turned my life around
Leaves me breathless
And without sound
I don't deserve
What you give me everyday
All I can do is show you
There are no words
I can say
I can be what you want
I can be what you need
I've got plans for us
Someday you'll see
Where there's a will
There's a way
We will be together soon
No more separate days
I swear it's the truth
My heart's on display
I'll never hurt you
I'll never run away

These may not be the words
Of some great poet
Even if it takes a lifetime
I'm going to show it
Someday you'll see
What the chance to love you means
Never change who you are
In my sky you're the brightest star
I will make any sacrifice
I will go anywhere
To be by your side
And to treat you with care
They may be your past
But I'm your present
With a love like this
Our future is sure to be
Heaven sent

Northern Journey

I've got an image
Running round my head
It's an image I thought
Was gone and dead
Here you came back
Walked in again
Throwing me off track
How did this begin
You didn't stay for long
Just long enough
To bring up memories
I thought where gone
I thought we had a chance
The other night
We locked eyes
While we did our dance
So close and so tight

I've never been so alone
Since you've made your way
I'm feeling more alive
With every passing day

There's places
I can go
There's people
I can know
I've got no one
To stop me
I've got nothing
I can't be
Maybe I'll go
Back to school
Maybe I'll jump
Off that ledge
Into that pool
I've been so scared
I've never dreamed
I've never dared
To bring to life
All that could be

I've never been so alone
Since you've made your way
I'm feeling more alive
With every passing day

I'm going home
To the north
I'll watch the snow
Go back and forth
I'll sip away
All my pain
I'll watch the ice
As it turns into rain
I won't think of you
Anymore
I'll wipe the sweat
From my pores
When I'm through
I'll close the doors
And shut out the life
I had with you

Mind Fuck

Hey little lady
I see you with him
Dreaming dreams so sweet
Take a look I'm outside
Wandering the street
I'm coming in to take your thoughts
On a little trip
Your sweet will turn sour
Those dreams I'm going to flip
I'll sneak into your mind
When you least expect
I'll take you for a ride
There is no need to run
There is no need to hide
Please don't be scared
You don't have to cry
Why should I worry
Why should I try
You did what you had to
Are you satisfied

Love is the end
Love is a friend
Love will offend
Love will mend

You think that you're happy
You think you have joy
I'm sneaking in your head
Your bliss I will destroy
I'm creeping 'round your mind
I'm sure you never thought of this
When you left me here to die
I don't care what you're doing
I don't care what he says
If he has any sense
He'll stay out of my way
I'll drown you both in
Sorrow, misery, and pain
My love is gone
Thanks to you it has been slain

Love is the end
Love is a friend
Love will offend
Love will mend

What's the point of love
Do you like your love
Do you miss my love
Are you falling in love
Are you happy with love
Do you feel the love
I can't stand the fucking love

Coward

Hello young lady
You're looking great today
I'd love to get to know you maybe
But I have no words to say
See, I'm recently broke
I'm out of service
My life is such a joke
I just need some time to get over this
I want to be
Everything you need
But when I look at you
I see
The one that left
My heart to bleed

I see you everyday
Just can't build up the strength to say
I want to ask you out
I'm full of fear and doubt
I only need some time
Before I try to make you mine

Good morning to you
Lovely weather
I really like those shoes
That's a pretty sweater
I love you in blue
All these things
I want to say
Plus a few more
I just turn away
And go through my door
To ponder what to say some more


I see you everyday
Just can't build up the strength to say
I want to ask you out
I'm full of fear and doubt
I only need some time
Before I try to make you mine

It's been a few weeks
This time I know
I'm not feeling so meek
This time I'm going to show
How I really feel
No more hiding behind
The one that left
I've got you on my mind
Now you will see
How confident I can be
I'm ready
Here you come
I just hope
I don't sound dumb

Last Night

Last night
I had a dream
Riding in a car
With Tambourine
We started to climb
I started to scream
We drove across the evergreens
I did not know which way to take
We found out where you congregate
I saw them by the lake
I started to
Jump and shake
They told me
"Come and pray"
I said
"Save that for a rainy day"
Tambourine told me it's time to go
I asked where
He said
"I don't know"
I woke up
Started to cry
Tambourine asked me why
I told him
"I don't want to fly"
"You can do what you want to do"
"But I can't follow you"
He told me
To to make my way
I'm going outside
Outside to play
Just like I did when I was small
My greatest joy
Was the stick and the ball
I didn't wait for someone to call
I had no worries
I had no stress
I didn't have to impress with my dress
Deep inside I think we know
That's the best the world can show
I'm coming out of my dream for real
See what cards life can deal

Over (Part 3)

The saddle is tied tight
I'm leaving at first light
Time to move on
Time for a new song
I may have tried to hang
A tad too long
I wish I didn't
But I felt no wrong

Maybe some other time
Maybe some other place
I could have woke up each morning
To your face
I tried to be angry
But that just isn't me
You went your way
I'll go mine
I know that it will get better
Only get better with time

I can't sit here and say I didn't cry
If I did that
I'd be telling a lie
In this life people come and go
With everyone we pray
For the strength to know
If they're for real
Or if they're for show
If they'll stay
Or if they'll roll
I hope you don't take
What life throws your way
Some of it's good
But some of it's fake

You broke a heart
And yours will break too
Just look straight ahead
And walk right through
Always remember
The darkest night
Brings the brightest day
Never forget
How we used to laugh and play
Hiding like children
During those rainy days

You're a part of my short life
You're with me in my heart
You'll even be with me when
I walk to the light
When the heavens ask me
What on Earth did I like
I'll tell 'em your name
And when I say it
I won't say it with spite

Over (Part 2)

Here I am with me
Only my thoughts
Keep me company
Late nights
Listening to Em and Ani
Both speak the same
"It's over"
Find another game
Now it's time to be angry
Soon there will be no pain
All you have to do is
Hop another train
I don't see one for days
I'm lost in some kind of haze
Or maybe it's a maze
Wandering around blindly
Under the sun's rays
The sun burns me black
I gave love that wasn't given back
Now I'm on the attack

So go back to your 'ville
Take your little pill
Do it all up until
You think you've had your fill
Sit upon your hill
I hope you feel the chill
Now you know how it feels to kill
As Love lay here dying
I'll find another who is trying
To be what I need
Someone who won't do the deed
I hope you'll hate your soul
I hope all of your gold
Is really nothing more than mold
Someday you'll be told
Someday when you are old
All the lies that you have told
To the devil you have been sold

Do you think I'm a little angry
Well someday I hope I won't be
I'll find a way to forgive
I'll continue to live
Don't worry I'll be fine
I can't wait for you to cry

Over

Sitting all alone

Staring at my room
Trying to delay

The inevitable doom
It hurts so bad
I don't know what to do

I'm so sad
Every corner I turn
Reminds me of you

I've got so many feelings
Bottled up tight

I dread being alone
In the middle of the night
I put on a smile
To hide what really is a frown
My mind is racing
I need to slow down
I catch my self pacing
What am I feeling
What am I facing
Anger
Pain
Joy
I've cried so much
I'm going to drown
Everyone knew
Everyone except me
How come I couldn't see
All the bullshit
That she did to me
I couldn't fall again
I spend my life so guarded
I wouldn't get burned
By the Sin
Yet here I am on fire
Riding my street car
Named desire
My thoughts
Come sporadic
I wish
I was an addict
So I could find
A way to escape
Someone is going to see
I need to close the drapes
I don't want to show
The way I feel
Down below
I wish I was a psychic
Find a way to predict
What's going to happen to me
I spent too many
Nights awake
Fighting these battles
Until I shake
I fight every one
Until my fists bleed
They flat out
Fuckin hate me
They don't see who
I really am
They don't see
What I can
I saw what she could be
They just took her from me
I think I'm gonna flip
There's my drink
Take a sip
Smoke another pack
Fuck it
She aint coming back

Parting Shots To My Lost Love

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that was supposed to never let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin."

-Author Unknown

Freezing Summer

I've stood out in the Fall rain
Tried to wash away your memory
All I felt was cold water
Falling upon me

I went back out in Winter snow
Hoping time would freeze
All I felt was numb
From my head down to my feet

I thawed out in the Spring
Surrounded by all that's new
All I felt was the green
Making me more blue

The Summer sun came
It was burning high above
No matter how hot it was
I couldn't sweat out this love

All the seasons come
All the seasons go
All this abuse
Just so you will know

I can't move on with out you
I have no room to grow
I wish you would let me in
I only want to show
What it's like to love you
Just so you will know

Late Nights In Baltimore

James and Wynton

2:00 AM I drink my wine
2:00 AM Would you like to dine
2:00 AM Do I know the time
Jazz comes from the speakers on the floor
Moans come from the girl next door
2:15 Wynton's trumpet wails
2:30 The girl exhales
2:36 Jim Morrison calls
The wine in my blood makes me fall
Rain washes away the lines of chalk
It's a lovely night
Let's go for a walk
Rain will run through our hair
3:00 AM
An insomniac's nightmare


Breached

How can I Love again
You burned my soul with your sin
Now here She comes
Begging to get in
My bars are thick
My walls are high
She loves me so much
It makes her cry
I killed my Love
I watched it die
I burned that Love
I saw the smoke in the sky
Now Love calls my unlisted phone
I check the ID
It says "Unknown"
She promises me that I can trust
However your sins
Still linger like dust
That sits up high on cabinet tops
I can't get it with brooms
I can't get it with mops
Who's that outside
I'm calling the cops
She jumped the fence
She cut the bars
Get here fast
Spin the lights on the cars
She pulls out that Love .45
The bullet cuts through
I won't survive
She points the Love to her temple side
No One Here Gets Out Alive

Was It Safe To Say...Was It Right To Leave

As all three of my readers may know I'm moving to Baltimore this month. In keeping with the traditions of my current work place, I decided to have a going away party at the bar of my choice. I picked a date, picked the place, and sent out the "word". I choose my favorite bar in all the Norfolk Metropolitan area, O'Malley's Irish Pub. Being that I work in Virginia Beach, most of my co-workers live there too. So they would have to make the 15 mile trip to Norfolk. A lot of people said they would make it or at least try to, so I was looking forward to the "festivus".

Friday night comes along and I decide to wear my favorite Aloha shirt and I must say I'm looking damn good. I even show up fashionably late for my own going away party. I walk in about 9:00 PM and there are three people waiting for me. Well, I tell myself, it's still a little early for a night out. Long story short, the same three people that where there to begin with are the same three I closed the bar down with. What the F?

My personality is the type where I can get along with a wide variety of people, and therefore I thought that when I sent my invitation to that same group of people, that a majority would come out, but obviously not. What's strange is that I've always been like this, I've had a lot of people that I know and that know me and everyone seems to be cool with me, but I've never had people call me and see what I'm doing, I've had to track them down. No one every says "Lets see what Adam's up to." It's always "Hey, it's Adam. What are y'all doing." So what is it about my personality that makes me popular with out being popular? Many a times I've been told I'm a good man and that someone was real glad to know me. But no one calls me to go out and do stuff. The older I get the harder it is too, because I'm surrounded by married folks who tend to stay more domesticated when I'm ready to go out and chase. Of course my worries are diminishing the longer I'm with Lorena, I love being domestic and spending the night with my lady, but the friend situation is bothering me a little, I thought more people would come say goodbye.

Was it right to leave? I guess so!

Life Of Love (Eternally)

It started out as bliss
April to June are the days I miss
I still can see our first Kiss
To myself I made a wish
On the field I spilled out fears
We tried to imagine our careers
By The Fountain you shared my tears
We spent the weekends locked up so tight
Our school daze we broke out late night
On a dark road we saw a sight
We vowed to share love for all life

Eternally you used to say
I guess it doesn't go that way
Now I'm here all alone
Clearing memories from this home

By July I was on my way
August our memories fade
September the Image of Love was made
We made our love in Twenty Days
I held you close when you cried
I shared your pain way down inside
I begged alone to make it mine
Nothing could stop our time

Eternally you used to say
I guess it doesn't go that way
Now I'm here all alone
Clearing memories from this home

December brought unforgivable crime
No longer where you solely mine
Unto dark water I cried and cried
No longer was trust in mind
To bring it back I tried in Vain
It never would be same again
New Year brought a miracle sign
He could restore what once had shine

Eternally you used to say
I guess it doesn't go that way
Now I'm here all alone
Clearing memories from this home

Another year came to go away
You went back to your old game
I hid my self in doubt and shame
Said goodbye one hot summer day
Now we're here and your out there
Acting like you don't care

Our fountain
Is now cold and black
Our bench
Is scrapped out in the back
Our Room
Is closed
Our pondIs dry
Our Life of Love
Is dead from pride

Eternally you used to say
I guess it couldn't go that way
Now I'm hereI'm not alone
Making new memories
Making a new home

Sunday Morning Comin' Down

I'm here with my coffee and watching a "chick flick" (Boys on the Side), and I swear the longer I don't have a woman in the house, the more I'm becoming one. Maybe I'm slowly transforming into a schizophrenic, with my alter ego being the long lost woman companion. If I start dancing in front of a mirror in Silence of the Lambs style then there is cause to worry ("Hey mister! Your dog's hurt real bad!"). Now I'm wondering, do schizo's know they're schizo's? If they don't then I'm not a schizo I'm just strange. The other thing we'll have to watch out for is if I start watching The View, that would be pretty bad. I'll keep you posted.

There is, however, light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't a train. I met a girl. Her name is Lorena and we met last Fall at the work place and we talked when we saw each other there, but nothing more. There was always innocent flirting between us and finally we exchanged the usual phone numbers and e-mail. When we would call each other at night we'd talk for no less than an hour. We see each other at every possible moment and we talk every night before we each go to bed. Now all is going very well and I am absolutely crazy about this girl, but because of my past burnings, I am very hesitant to jump into this relationship and I'm always waiting for the world to cave in and get hurt again. It's my own sad little defense mechanism, if I know she's going to hurt me and I plan for such event, when it happens it'll be easier to deal with. I'm trying to tell myself that she didn't do this to me and I shouldn't be so guarded, Lorena tells me that too. She has got to be one of the most understanding and patient girls I've ever met, as hard as I'm trying to be open to her, I still regress on occasion and she doesn't get mad and argue with me she just tells me that it's alright and that helps a lot. I also told her up front that relationships scare me and I'm nervous. I also told her that I want to be open and vulnerable to her, and I am willing to work as hard as I have to to overcome my own fears and I think that helps her in coping with my brick walls surrounding my own Attica prison of my emotions. So yes, I am that crazy over this girl. I just hope that by me writing about it it doesn't jinx it!

Bobby D.

Hey Bobby Dylan
I wrote you a song
You pretty much wrote it
But I'm movin' it along
You wrote it back
In the early 60's
About a man named
Woody Guthrie
It was written for him
But you sang it for me
I heard it once
Comin' from my TV
Hey Bobby Dylan
Won't you sing it for me

Hey Bobby Dylan
I want you to know
What's goin on in the world
As she grows
The hard rain
Is still falling down
It gathers in puddles
All over the ground
Those cannon balls
They're still gonna fly
Those young men are still gonna die
Hey Bobby Dylan
Can you tell me why

Hey Bobby Dylan
Where are you today
I wonder what it is
You would say
If we keep going
Will this river
Keep flowing
Will our minds
Keep growing
Will we find a way

Hey Bobby Dylan
I wrote you a song

Hello, Is There Anybody Out There?

Does anyone still stop by this thing? If so leave a comment and I'll write some more...

Weekdays

I've enjoyed almost three days off from work because my little man has been sick. During that time I've really started to understand how much I enjoy getting out and working or playing. I've got some wicked cabin fever going on. I've taken time off work and some days Quentin and I sit around the house and do inside stuff, sometimes we go out and do outside stuff, but we have the choice and I know we have a choice. Not having a choice makes this whole situation worse! I've done the laundry that I save for Sunday, I've done the cleaning that I usually do Saturday morning. I'll try to look at the bright side of this though, if he's better, than we can have the weekend free of household chores.

I got into a small lighthearted debate with CJ yesterday and I got to thinking, she doesn't like men, I don't like women, she leans to the left, and I lean to the right, maybe we should get our own call in radio or TV show and make us both lots of cash. It would work only if the callers and guests on the show could get either of us to shut up first!

Other than that, I have nothing to rant about.

Adam Cusack

Since the weather here was so nice this weekend, Quentin and I went to the beach Friday and Saturday. We walked around on the boardwalk and the sand, had lunch at my favorite beach restaurant, and got some ice cream, which really made my lactose intolerant stomach do some flips, but it was still fun and worth it.

Today I decided to take out the old camera and head downtown and take some city scape pictures. I ended up shooting three roles of photographs in about three hours. Quentin had a good time bouncing about the city with Dad so it was a good father-son bonding day. We stopped at a deli and had a late lunch and headed back to the truck to get home for the race. Along the way we walked by Starbucks, and I was craving a Cafe au Lait so we dipped in and ordered one for me and a water for Quentin. The wonderful, cheerful folks behind the counter said they had to make a fresh pot, which I will never complain of a fresh pot of coffee, and they would call me when it was done. We headed over to a table to sit down for a little bit and I noticed an attractive girl doing some school work. She looked up and said hello and I returned the courtesy. She went back to her book and I went to get my coffee. While I was at the counter my ever flirtatious son struck up a conversation with our mystery college student, another reason why I love taking my son places. He introduced himself and asked what she was doing, she said she was reading for class. I come to find out she's going for her M.B.A., so she's attractive and educated.

We talked for a while and then Quentin said that he wanted to go home, after walking around Norfolk for a few hours, I didn't blame him. Quentin and I headed out the door all the while her and I keept looking back at each other. We got down the block and around the corner then my mind started working. "Why didn't you get a phone number or something?" "Gee, mind, I don't know!" I looked at my little man and said "Lets go back!" Quentin said "Yeah, lets go talk to that girl again." I love my little man! So we turn around to go back and maybe invite her to grab dinner or something. When I get back to Starbucks, she was gone. Table cleaned off, not a single sign of her.

I looked up and down the street, and nothing. We walked a little bit, thinking maybe she was around the corner and again, nothing. So now I'm having images of each of us looking for each other and we're passing each other on opposite sides of the block and we both give up at the same time and head off in opposite directions. Then images of all the John Cusack movies I have ever seen start to run through my head. I then decided that this is going to be the summary of my love life from now on, The Cusack. When my family asks me how is my love life, I will answer, "It's Cusack."

So, Sarah, if you happen to come across this, hope to see you again, leave a message, give me a call, do anything so I can stop being Cusack and start being Costner.

The DVD In Black

About six years ago I went to a pawn shop in Jacksonville, NC and bought a generic DVD player for $50.00. This year, the Little DVD Player That Could, finally decided that it couldn't anymore. After a couple months of procrastination I headed on down to Best Buy to find a new movie watchin' companion. I wandered around the store, compared bells and whistles, compared prices, and finally settled on a Toshiba DVD/VCR combo. I grabbed the box, a couple CD's, and headed to the register to pay for my new forms of entertainment. When I got home I untangled all the cords and hooked it up to the TV and stereo, so far so good. I then put a disc in to make sure all systems where go (Remote response? Check. Picture? Check. Sound? Check.) so far so good. I didn't watch the whole movie, I just watched long enough to make a function check. The new DVD player sat idle until Tuesday, the whole reason I replaced the other player this week, the shortly awaited release of Walk The Line.

I never got to see Walk The Line while it was in the theaters, and after discovering Johnny Cash's music this past summer, I wanted to check it out both for the subject matter and because of the rave reviews it has been receiving since it's release. Tuesday came around and I picked up the movie, got it home, and put the new DVD player to work, and work it did, for about 15 minutes. The picture froze, which isn't a big deal as long as it recovers and moves along. However it didn't come back. I ejected the disc and tried again, with no luck.
Mr. Toshiba says, "There is no disc in this player!"
"But there is a disc Mr Toshiba!"
"No there isn't!"
Now I'm getting angry! Now I'm starting to curse inanimate objects! I try again! Nothing! I ended up watching my new shortly awaited movie on the 11 inch screen of my portable DVD player, that I got for Quentin and our road trips, propped upon the coffee table, not on my 36 inch TV with surround sound.

Wednesday when I got home from work I packed up Mr Toshiba and headed back to Best Buy. I wasn't angry at the Best Buy folks, as some Oblivions would be, it isn't their fault. I walked to the customer service counter where the associate told me to go get myself another DVD player. This time I decided to go to Sony. While I was looking at the DVD/VCR combos again, I got to thinking, am I really going to use the VCR side? No, I won't. So, single DVD it is. The Sony was $20.00 cheaper than the combo which was put back on my card and I, of course, spent it right away on another couple of Johnny Cash CD's, it just seemed appropriate.

I'm overjoyed to report that the Sony is working like a charm and Walk The Line was a great movie, the story was great and the fact that the actors played the instruments and sang the songs themselves, not pulling a Milli Vanilli, made it all the more enjoyable and I hope it does well at the Academy Awards tonight. I'm also starting to understand why someone once said there are two types of Johnny Cash fans, those that are and those that will be one.

How The West Wing Was Lost

This was something that I've been meaning to write about for a while now, the cancellation of The West Wing. As much as I hate to see it actually happen, I've seen this coming. (Just a note, NBC talked of ending the show even before John Spencer died.) The shows creator, Aaron Sorkin, left the show either last season or one before, either way, when he left the show went down the proverbial toilet. The guy they left in charge of the show is the same mastermind behind the ER debacle. Their idea of television is "the next most shocking moment in television" and they feel they have to throw these things at us to keep us watching. News flash NBC, you don't. I looked forward to that show, actually both of those shows, every week, and that was before the "most shocking moment in television history" that happened every week, that was magically wrapped up by the first 20 minutes of the show and then on to the "next most shocking moment" set up for next week. I tuned in for the characters, the story lines, and the dialogs, that Sorkin was pretty much responsible for. It was smart humor that didn't insult my intelligence, but wasn't above me either. I loved Josh Lymon's come backs:

Donna: You're a powerful man.
Josh:(pause) Yes, thank you!

Donna: How did you know that?
Josh: Because I know everything

I loved Bartlett's strange sayings to the next visitor to the Oval who had no idea what he was talking about, because it was a joke about the previous event that the new visitor had no idea about.

Bartlett: We're getting high on lawn mower exhaust now[or something like that]
Fitzwallace: Are you guys getting strippers or something?

I know that the real White House is nothing like this, but it entertained me. The story lines where simple and easy to follow week to week. The very first episode dealt with the president falling off his bicycle, the latest "shocking moment" a nuclear reactor problem threatening to blow up half of San Diego. Come on, there is enough crap like that in the world that people are already living with this idiotic sense of fear, that's the last thing they need, more fear from their prime time line up.

So farewell West Wing, I'll miss the early years and I'll have my DVD's and Bravo to keep those memories alive. As for the "Post-Sorkin Era", you've got no one to blame but your producer. NBC do us a favor and kick this guy off your sets. That's two good shows he's ruined.

Answers For Jocelyn (Because I don't know how to work your journal)

High School - Yes we sort of did go to high school together, I was there for one year. If you have your 95-96 edition of the year book, what ever it is called, turn to the freshmen and you will find me listed as Kenneth Pepwick, even though that is no where near my name. There isn't even a kid with that name in the school that year, so it wasn't just a casual mistake of name swapping. That guy flat out didn't exist, but I got his name. I left after that and returned to Pennsylvania.
Skating - I first started watching in 1992 when Kristi Yamaguchi was the phenom at the Olympics and was hooked from then on. Even back then I had a problem with commentators. Caryn Kadavy and I share the same home town.
Dating - I know I don't have to date and I don't have a problem persay with being single. I'm very co-dependent and like being in a relationship. Part of the problem is that I always feel weird hanging out with my friends who are 99% married. I don't know if it's the military or what but a lot of them seem to be married young and even my "civilian" friends are mostly married or in a serious relationship. So I'm always the squeaky third or fifth wheel. That's not the primary reason of course, but it's up there.

So feel free to stop by and leave comments, I'm always happy to know that others are reading.

Life In Lyrics

Pick A Band/Musician and Use Their Song Titles For the Answer

Artist: Dave Matthews

[1] Are you male or female? Jimi Thing
[2] Describe yourself? Some Devil
[3] How do you feel about yourself? Proudest Monkey
[4] Describe what you are thinking right now? Crush
[5] Describe your current girlfriend? Pay For What You Get
[6] Describe where you currently live? Busted Stuff
[7] If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Grey Street
[8] What would you ask for if you had just one wish? Hunger For The Great Light
[9] You know that: So Much To Say
[10] What's the weather like? Typical Situation
[11] If your life was a television show, what would it be called? Stay Or Leave
[12] What is life to you? Last Stop
[13] What is the best advice you have to give? Cry Freedom
[14] If you could change your name, what would you change it to? American Baby

Get Off My Fence!

Jealousy is a mother isn't it? Here I am jealous of someone's lifestyle who I'm sure is just as jealous of mine. I'm sure that not everything I'm told is true, but it makes me jealous and I think that my jealousy makes them happy in some strange way. All the while, they are feeling the same way I am. Yet, here we both are wanting what the other has and not getting it. People always take what they have for granted, it's human nature I think. The grass is always greener, but, when we jump the fence we land in cow shit most of the time. So why then do we keep fence hopping yard to yard? I guess you could argue that if we don't we'll never advance in the world. If we were not willing to take a chance we would be stuck in our "Allentown" for the rest of our lives. Content with our spouse, 2.5 children, cat, dog, three bedroom, 1 and half bath, white picket fence house, but we would never take our nuclear family and move them to that house on the hill. There is a flip side to that coin though, we always run the risk of making a bad choice and jumping not only into the cow shit but the junk yard dog as well. Some people can use those as learning experiences and know not to go into Old Man Johnson's yard anymore, but some of us get stuck there and don't know how we got into that scary place. So here I am writing to people I don't know are reading except for two and one of them I know very well, while the other I'm trying to reconnect with, reconnect because I think I hopped the wrong fence. The past always has that effect on me, I like to say I don't regret anything I've done, but I think I do more than I want to admit. I ask the higher power, who ever it may be, why did certain events happen to me, why did I go left and not right and the other way around. I've been told that you shouldn't do that and it's not good for you, but F.O. because I am doing it and will continue to do it, it's me, it's Adam. I still keep plugging away at life and I keep an eye on what is behind me, but I don't walk backwards. Maybe along the way I can right the wrongs and who knows what gate may be opened up to me and I can walk into the yard instead of risking bodily harm by falling off the fence. I know that I'm on the right path and that I'm destined to be better than the one I'm jealous of, but sometimes you wonder. That yard has all the toys and latest swingset and all the kids are laughing and playing games, while my yard is small with only a couple kids and a rusty swing set. Let's flip the coin again and look at it from their yard, they may be thinking that all those kids are only there for the new toys and superior swing set and that the few kids on the rusty set seem to be having so much more fun, because they really are friends and not just yard crashers who will move along when the next model swing set comes out in someone else's yard. Then again maybe none of this makes any sense to anyone who happens to stop by and it's just the merlot talking. At least I know what I'm talking about though...

"Turning back, she just laughs, the boulevard is not that bad"
"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had"

Ranting

Sasha and the Trash Barge

It's 9:23 and about my bedtime (insert pathetic joke here) but I'm watching the figure skating championships on ESPN 2 (The Ocho! If you saw Dodgeball you'll get the joke) while surfing the web. Q is in bed singing to himself and it's pretty cute in a way, and I can't stop laughing about it, even though I should tell him to get some sleep. I've gone to the kitchen a poured myself a glass of wine and my favorite, Sasha Cohen, is up...a very good performance in my humble uneducated opinion. It's the highest scoring one so far.

I love figure skating, I love the gracefulness of it and watching people do something that I can't do. I hate it when the commentators have to tell me what is wrong with every single performance though. Shut Up! Let me enjoy the talent and the music and I don't care if they missed the skate placement of their triple luggy trachiotomy. I know I couldn't do it, so shut up and let me enjoy it. Talk in between the skater's show, talk while the judges write on their cards, talk during something I don't care about. It's like the time I was in Baltimore staying on my unlce's sailboat, which was docked in the Inner Harbor. There I was watching the sun rise over the downtown buildings, the city was waking up, traffic was starting to move, and it was the perfect summer morning. Those of you that know me know that I love cities. I love high rise glass and concrete. I couldn't have asked for anything better when all of a sudden a trash barge comes rambling along filling the air with some foul smell and horrible noise, I was in Baltimore so only God knows what or who was in that pile making that smell so bad. It shattered the tranquility of the morning. That's what these morons are like to me, shattering the tranquility of Sasha Cohen's performance.

Web Love

While I was on the internet I typed in the wonderful Google box "Dating Sucks" because, well, recently it does for me. I hate being single and as much as I try to convince myself I'm better off alone, I just know I'm not. Sorry C.J., I'm trying and I can't take it. Anyway, I'm going to Pittsburgh next month with a group to go to see my beloved Penguins hockey team. I was all excited about it until someone made a joke, the didn't mean any harm by it, but, it was about me being "El Cinco". What is that? Well it is me because I am going with a group of four, two couples. Two happy relationships and me, Ole Cinco, the spare fith wheel that sits under the mats in your trunk.

As much as I hate being single, I hate the dating game even more; a terrible dilemma, I know. I hate how fake the "dating game" is. Right there, we call it a game. A game is supposed to be fun, this isn't fun. Let's look at a typical first date, no, let's start before that, let's go back to the first impression. Boy sees Girl, Girl sees Boy, in a split second a terabyte of thought goes through each of their minds. Thoughts about attraction, physical features, sub-conscience thoughts about sex, marriage, children; yes it does go that deep with a first impression. We're talking biological stuff now and each of us have instinct to reproduce, even if we never do or we deny those thoughts. So let's say that this person meets your standards, let the games begin. Now you have to get courage to talk to Her, I say her because I'm a Him and because even 50 years post Dwight and Mami Eisenhower, it's still up to the man to make the first move. As I make my approach the first impression is still being made, and I have to not act like an idiot, but not like an ass either. So I strike up a conversation, which is either going to go one of two ways, either complete acceptance or complete rejection. Are we having fun yet? I'm going to give Him the benefit and figure that there is acceptance. Maybe phone numbers are exchanged, here comes some more game day strategy, how long do I wait to call? I don't want to seem like I don't care, but I don't want to seem so desperate. Girls like assholes, so maybe I should act like I don't care, but I really like her. Two days, no wait, make it three, yeah three, good solid odd number, but I really want to talk to her...oh fuck it, it's probably the wrong number anyway. Am I starting to sound like a John Cusack movie yet? So you call, how many days you waited is up to you, and you get the dreaded voice mail (please insert some heavy dramatic music), her message starts telling you how she can't come to the phone right now, yadda, yadda, yadda. Meanwhile your head is racing, what do I say? Your back to the good guy/asshole routine again. Should I leave a message at all? I'll just hang up and...Too late! BEEP! "Duh Duh Uhh this is ____ Just calling you, uhh, I guess your not around (No shit dummy, hence the voice mail) I guess I'll talk to you later or you can call me...Uhhh, bye." Oh the Mighty Case struck out. What an idiot! Guess what Gentle Reader? We haven't even got to the first date yet and we're assuming that He even had the courage to talk to Her in the first place and not go back to his hole and say how hot she was. Welcome to my world!

Granted that was an elaboration, but not to far from the truth. Some of the articles I read are telling me all these dating "rules" that contradict eachother and tell me to put on this fake persona. I'm pretty personable, but also shy. That's who I am. This rules tell me to change who I am to get a girl. Why, so she can find out later that she doesn't like the real me? I have a friend who when he and his wife where dating used to go out a lot. He likes going out, she doesn't, but she covered up this fact to make him happy. They got married and she wanted to stay home. Why was this not brought up earlier? The point is this, let's be honest up front and make the world a lot easier to date in. Take my situation of parenthood in to account and it gets even worse.

Of course when I'm not looking, then she'll be there. What a bunch of crap that is. How do you take a hopeless romantic and tell him to stop looking? Maybe that's a question that can never be answered, but who the hell knows? Maybe She does...

Quiet Observations

I'm sitting at work drinking my coffee and pondering life's meaning. OK I'm not pondering it's meaning, but I'm in a quiet mood today and for those that know me pretty well know I'm not always quiet. However because of my quiet mood I'm being bombarded by questions as to the state of my well being. "Are you O.K.?" "Is everything alright?" "You don't seem like your normal self, anything you want to talk about?" While I appreciate the concern it really isn't needed. Can't I just be quiet and thoughtful for a day instead of loud and proud? If I come across someone who doesn't show signs of wanting conversation for what ever reason I tend to just tell them I'll talk to them later and leave it at that. Every time I'm quiet I get the inquisition. I don't really have a reason for my quietness, I've got stuff on my mind, but nothing that I would lose any sleep over and certainly nothing that I would share with people I see at work.

Which makes me think of something else. We spend more time with co-workers than we do our own families, yet they are some of the people we know the least about. How odd is that? One would think I'd know more about these folks because my desk is right across from theirs and we damn near stare at each other all day, but I couldn't tell you very much about them, not much more than what the pictures on their desks give away. If you where to look at my pictures and try to figure out what I was all about you'd probably guess I'm a parent because I've got pictures of the boys. You'd figure I'm a race fan, because I've got a picture of Stewart that I got out of a race magazine. I've got a Snoopy comic strip, some funny quotes and pictures, three fortune cookie papers, and a group picture of my command. All together that doesn't even really start to tell you who I am, strange how that works. Maybe I should find out one new fact a day on my co-workers, but then I may find out something I don't want to know. Maybe I'll leave things the way they are.

Happy Christmas, Merry New Year

What a year 2005 was both personally and for the rest of the world, I'm not going to sit here and rattle off a bunch of "highlights" from the year past, because this is the week every year that we get bashed in the face with the "best of/worst of" shows on every media outlet. Even the news networks jump on the band wagon with the year in headlines shows. You all know what happened this year and you all should definitely know what happened in your own lives. No reason to add another twenty "O" five review.

I went home for Christmas this year and I am very happy I did. I got to see joy on my children's faces when they saw what Daddy Claus had left them under the tree. I got to see four generations of family interacting and enjoying each others company. I re-connected with members of said family that I haven't talked to in over five years. That, to me, is what Christmas is all about.

As many of you know I have my issues with religion lately and so therefore I didn't go to church on Christmas day, I mean if I'm not going to show up the rest of the year, why show up on one day to make myself feel better. I instead look at Christmas as a time that starts around Thanksgiving and goes through New Years Day that I spend time with family that I don't get to see much and remind my self just how lucky I am that I have the ability to do that. That there are people out there who don't have a family like I do. I don't look at it as something to be politicized like it has been lately. I don't look at it as something that should be commercialized like it has been for so long. I just spend time with those I love and leave it at that.

New Years always brings resolutions and we usually do well for about a week and then throw them by the wayside so I decided to make mine something achievable. I'm going to finish my degree and I'm going to read more books. I'm going to have a new appreciation for mankind's creative side. I'm going to have more confidence in my self. I'm going to take better care of my self. These things are all pretty easy to accomplish and if I don't stick to it I think it's because I didn't really want to in the first place.

Happy Holidays, what ever it is you celebrate, and try to make this year better than the last.

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy

December 8, 1980 one man was born as another died. John Lennon was shot outside his apartment in New York City while on the other side of the state in a small hospital in Jamestown I was born. In no way are these two events linked, other than the day, but I've always shared some sort of attachment to John Lennon, I can't explain it very well but I know it's there, maybe our souls passed on the great escalator in the sky or something. Maybe my soul said good morning to his soul as we passed the "gates of heaven" like two people crisscrossing in an elevator door. It's something I've always felt, even in the earliest stages of my life. I've always been drawn to his writing, songs, and various statements made through out his life. Now I don't live my life according to Lennon, but I try to pass along the same statements, because I share his believes and a good many views on the world that he had as many others did, and still do. His songs have always been part of my life and intertwined with it. When we started seeing flag covered caskets coming back from Iraq, some of them my friends, I played Imagine. Many nights before I put my son to bed I sing Beautiful Boy to him, while he giggles at his goofy Daddy. When my marriage failed I sang Jealous Guy. When I met another I sang (Just Like) Starting Over. My son begs me to play Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds when we're driving so we can sing along, he only knows the chorus, but he's getting there. There are many other examples I could give, but the point is made and I'd go on all night and it is after all, my birthday. Now that I'm trying to take up my own musical adventure I take a lot of influence from John. I don't try to duplicate, because there will never be another John Lennon, just like there will never be another me. We are all our own person and we should all strive to be our own person, but there is nothing wrong with looking to others for guidance and inspiration. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

Was he perfect? No, he was just simply a man. He simply did what he felt was right and stood by what he thought was right. That, my friends is something that I admire greatly. That is something that I've tried to do for a good portion of my life. I admire John Lennon for what he said during his life even though it was often looked upon in a negative light. All he tried to do was pass along his views on the world and hopefully a few others would come along and join in. Those views where simply love and peace. How could someone shoot a man who sang about love and peace? Here we are 25 years later and his messages are just as relevant today as they where when they where new. All you need is love. You could have many unhappy things in your life, but if your loved it doesn't seem so bad for some reason. All we are saying is give peace a chance. Everyone on this planet could benefit from that statement. We've become so numb to violence because it's been around since we where made, but what if there where Nothing to kill or die for?

Happy Birthday.

"we all shine on, like the moon and the stars and the sun"
-John Lennon

Lethal Beauty

The San Francisco Chronicle did a seven part series about the high number of suicides of people jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge and the debate to put a barrier up to try to prevent this. This is a follow up from a piece the New Yorker did on the same subject. I've never been to that point in my life where I just wanted to end it all, but I know people who have, some have gotten all the way and ended it, some have just tried. We had a student who suffocated himself here a few years ago and I've had a reversal of my view on suicide because it really brought it home for some reason. Maybe because he was like me in personality, career choice, etc. but, I used to say "Let 'em do it! Who cares?" but then I thought about someone saying that about my child and I couldn't imagine letting that happen. So take time to read this and think about it. It can happen to any age, gender, race, or income level, in short it can be anyone.

http://www.sfgate.com/lethalbeauty/

Tell Me What You Don't Like About Yourself

This is the recurring phrase from, in my opinion, the best show on television right now, "Nip/Tuck". Lately I have been wondering about T.V., why it has gone down the entertainment crapper and then I discovered FX's shows. There big ones are "Nip/Tuck", "Rescue Me", and "The Shield". I'm not big on "The Shield", but "Rescue Me" and "Nip/Tuck" are creating a little revival of T.V. for me. With all the fake "reality" that's dominating the coaxial lines lately I found myself watching less of the box in the past couple years; I can't stand to watch people stoop to new lows for a price tag, but that's another rant.
This past summer I stumbled upon "Rescue Me" and was hooked immediately. The writing was brilliant and the acting was fantastic. The show centers around Dennis Leary's character of Tommy who is a New York City fireman. Tommy battles with personal demons of a failed marriage, alcoholism, friend betrayal, and, like any good sibling, a relationship with his dead brother's wife. On the surface it my not seem like a good show, but until you watch a few episodes, don't be to quick to judge.
When the season of "Rescue Me" ended "Nip/Tuck took it's time slot (Tuesday's 10:00 PM EST). Mom has watched this show for a few years now and I decided it was worth a peep. Now, I cannot wait for Tuesday nights. I thought that "Rescue Me" was brilliant, well this one is on another level completely. The basis for this show is two plastic surgeons in Miami who are surrounded by a world that wants to be beautiful and with our human obsession with putting on beautiful faces to hide our ugly souls it fits right in with modern society. The writers on this show piece together a story line that even a jigsaw puzzle couldn't top. Almost every line has a meaning. Every patient's issue ties into the bigger issue in each episode that Sean and Christian, the surgeons, are dealing with.
I don't know who is writing for these shows, but maybe they can moonlight with NBC to get the "West Wing" back on track. That show has gone over the top with stupidity. That has always been NBC's problem. I used to love "ER", but it went from being a mild drama to being way past the realm of belief. NBC feels it has to go bigger with more effects and "twists" that it almost seems like they are taking ideas from the mailman at Rockefeller Plaza. I know that TV and movies are going to be a stretch of reality by nature. That's what keeps us attached, living out a fantasy that we know would never happen, but we wish it would and the characters can do it for us, but, sometimes I get to the point where I just don't buy it any more. So now the "West Wing" has gone the way of George Clooney and Anthony Edwards "ER" reruns that I watch with fond memories. Hopefully FX doesn't follow NBC's example of trying to keep people watching.
So, "tell me what you don't like about your self" and let Sean and Christian and the writers of "Nip/Tuck" make you say; "Holy shit!" every Tuesday at 10:59 PM. Then your hooked.

Urban Cowboy

I haven't written anything in a long time, and I have the feeling people don't even stop by anymore. I guess it's because nothing has really peaked my interest lately. I don't have any emotional filled rants to give. So...
Last week I went to Havelock, NC, home of Marine Corps Air Station Cherry Point. That was so desolate and sad looking. I've gotten so used to the "big city" that small towns make me laugh. I don't know if I could take living in small town U.S.A. anymore. Although part of me wants to live in a place where my biggest problem or fear is the politics at the Mason Lodge, but part of me loves the feel of the urban. The traffic, the noise, the glass and concrete, sometimes even the anonymity of the city. I love the diverse cultures of the shops and restaurants. The choices of entertainment, the fact that there is entertainment. I'm sure as I move along in life I'll want the quiet life, but right now I'm drawn to places like Atlanta, Charlotte, Miami, Tampa, and even New Orleans, when it dries out and is rebuilt, better than before I'm sure. I had thought of moving to New Orleans earlier this year, I guess I'll have to wait, but I still just might make it happen. I fell in love with the Crescent City when I was there and I can't wait to go back again, even if it's only for a visit, because then the novelty doesn't wear off.

Amarillo, Iraq

In contrast to the last entry, I found a very funny video that British soldiers made right before they came home from Iraq. Make sure you got speakers and three minutes to spend and hopefully you'll find it as funny as I did.

http://www.thehumorzone.co.uk/amarillo_downloads.htm

Here's the BBC story of the video:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4554083.stm

Mi Amour

"Life knocked me of my platforms
So I pulled out my first pair of boots...
And I suited up for the long walk
Back to my myself..."

Today I don't think I could feel more lonely. I had my heart and soul pulled out and thrown on the road of life long ago and another came along and ran it over with a Mac Truck. The Two managed to come back and do some more trampling of me recently. Remember the video of Rodney King? Well, go to the editing room and cut out Rodney and the LAPD and insert the Two with the sticks and my heart and soul on the ground. What a heart and soul looks like, I don't know, but you all can figure it out.

I heard the First One was getting married and said I wasn't much of anything. I treated her badly and was the worst person ever. The truth is that another came into her life and delighted her with visions of bliss and life long pleasures. He didn't give her the truth and reality and certainly did not bring the visions to life. For what ever the reason the wedding got called off, I don't know the reason and so I can not accurately report those reasons, but, they are, however, still together.

I once heard the Second One say she was "playing with fire" and I didn't know what that really meant until today when I got the gut wrenching mass e-mail today from her, amazing how we find out all sorts of things we'd rather not know because we are still in someone's address book and they don't think about who they are sending their world to. It was filled with words of happiness about their big move to Chicago. I got to read about what a wonderful boyfriend she has and how he is so good to her and other sorts of titles that used to be mine. Which is funny because for the longest time she would say and write how terrible he was and how he dragged her down while they where together. She went on to say that if "your ever in the Windy City, stop by and we'll show you the sights." I just may take them up on that offer. That would a strange situation.

Twice I have been left behind for others by women I've truly loved. With all this trauma that Love has sent me, you would think I would have nothing to do with her. You would think I'd shoot Love in the head and I would ritualistically dance around her remains while the fire would rise high into the desert sky. Not me. I am Love's battered spouse. Love beats me down and I say; "She is a little stressed from work." Love pushes me into the wall and I say; "She's going to get counseling." Love leaves with with a black eye and I say; "She didn't mean to hit me that hard." Love verbally assaults me and I say; "She really is sorry this time." I keep coming back to Love, I keep seeking Love out. I wander the streets like a lost pet hoping my master is around the next corner, but she never is.

People tell me "Don't worry she's out there somewhere." That's polite of them to say but I think, after today, I'm going to kick Love out for a while. I'm going to pour all my efforts into my self, my son, my mind, and my music. I'm putting a restraining order on Love. When the right Police Officer comes around maybe I'll let that sweet bitch named Love back in the house. In the mean time I've got my closed circuit television monitoring the doors and bars on the window and I'm checking my address book.

"Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at somebody who outdrew ya
And it's not a cry that you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"

My So Called Life.

I haven't done this in a long time so I guess if anyone is still reading then you'll be happy for the update. I thought this was going to be easy, but as we get wrapped up in our daily life it's easy to forget about something like this or be like me and have nothing worth writing about. Since there are no issues really touching my soul, other than the ones I already had addressed anyway, I'll just put some stuff in here that I've been thinking about lately and we'll discuss via phone or comment section. Seems as though I write more in CJ's comments than I do my own page.
Music:
I've bought a few good ones lately. Shakira's "Fijacion Oral" which is all in Spanish, but it's still enjoyable to me. I like music from all over and I hate classifying it, it's music. This girl has got a voice on her I don't know everything she's saying, but I don't care either, well I care, but in my humble opinion just listening is enough and I'm impressed. I also bought The Killers' "Hot Fuss" this band is a flash back to the 80's sound, which is good being that I'm a child of the 80's and I love 80's "pop" music. I encourage all to check these out and who knows maybe you too will have "expanded your musical horizons!"
I was watching TV the other night and there was a documentary on Sun Records, for those that don't know what that is; it was an independent label who recorded Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis, and many others very early in their careers. Many of these musicians probably wouldn't have gotten the breaks they did if not for Sun. Well, while watching this I really started thinking about what true revolutionaries these guys where. No one had a sound like that before and it has endured and influenced for the past 50 years. To me that is so amazing that a truck driver wanted to hear him self on tape and ignited a whole new style of music. I started downloading (legally) some of these songs and I've heard most of them before, but never realized how good they still are. I also encourage all to take another listen to some of the late 50's and early 60's Rock&Roll.
Movies:
Is it just me or do movies really suck lately. Is Hollywood out of ideas? They either feed us remakes or complete crap. Don't get me wrong there are good ones out there that are enjoyable to watch, but there's no Godfather, Pulp Fiction, Gone With The Wind type movies out there and it's really sad. There hasn't been one in a long time, for me anyway, that when it was done, I just sat there and just let it all soak in because it was that good.
I watched a movie called "Suicide Kings" and that was entertaining, but one that I can never see again and I won't mind really. I've got "Ladder 49" staring at me so I'm going to watch that and I'll give a report later.
Tony Stewart is on a rampage and Adam and Q are happy as can be! I'm going to Atlanta this October and I hope I finally get to be at a race that he wins and not just leads the most laps.

Hi-Q 2

OK, I started posting on a forum website. Remember that. Remember, as well, the thing stating that I am of "below average" intelligence. Now when the two are put together I am starting to feel that way. This site has a lot of younger people on it and some of them are not even out of high-school yet, and the things that they say are amazing and I have never felt so stupid in my life. I also never realized how far detached from the youth of the nation I am until recently, but that's another issue. I try to keep up with them on some debates and I'm just amazed at the things they know. When I was in high school I knew Bill Clinton was president and that was about it. I really didn't know much about his administration and the things that where going on, nor did I much care. These kids, however, are telling me things that I should already know. Here I thought I had knowledge about politics, but now I realize that I'm just a moron and I think that I'm smarter than I actually am. So what does this mean for the future of America since I'd like to be a teacher someday? My SAT score was incredibly crappy, but I also took it the day after prom and I knew I was enlisting so I didn't pay as much attention as I should have. My latest college GPA is 3.6, but I didn't really feel challenged and I felt like I B.S.'ed my way through.
So give me some feed back O'Reader. Am I a moron? If I'm not, then what is my problem? If I am, then where do I go to get informed on the issues of the day?

Three Things For Tiffany...That I Stole From CJ (Because I'm Brain Dead This Week)

Three names I go by: Adam, Junior, Parson
Three screen names I've had: smoke, qtip, merlin
Three physical things I like about myself: My eyes, my nose, and...do my eyes count as two?
Three physical things I don't like about myself: My weight, my fur, and my eye sight.
Three parts of my heritage: I know I've got Italian, the rest I'm not to sure about anymore.
Three things I am wearing right now: Plaid boxers, Old Navy cargo shorts, and a belt
Three favorite bands/musical artists: Dave Matthews Band, John Lennon, Bob Dylan, but I have more...
Three favorite songs: Two Step, Jealous Guy, Tangled Up In Blue, but I have more...
Three things I want in a relationship: Honesty, fidelity, and good conversation.
Two truths and a lie: I'd rather not, for some reason.
Three physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you: "preferred sex?? I don't know what that means...." Me either.
Three favorite hobbies: Read, write, and try to learn music.
Three things that scare me: Death, failure, and the future.
Three of my everyday essentials: Coffee, computer, and my little family.
Three Careers you have considered or are considering : Teacher, Radio, Pilot, but I have more...
Three places you want to go on vacation: Ireland, Italy, Tour of the US, but I have more...
Three kids' names you like: Quentin, Shannon, Joshua
Three things you want to do before you die: Drive a race car, own a home, and play music.
Three ways I am stereotypically a boy: I love racing, drive a truck, and tend to be sexist, a lot.
Three ways I am stereotypically a girl: I use body wash, like scented candles, put lotion on all my limbs.
Three celeb crushes : Charlize Theron, Shirley Manson, and Tony Stewart (it's a man crush).
Three people I am tagging with this list : I don't know what that means either.

I'm movin out!

I moved this week and that was quite the experience. First off I failed to pack everything effectively, so when my parents showed up we where running around packing. Speaking of which, you never know how much stuff you have until your trying to put it all in boxes and a U-Haul type truck. Dad and I got a little frustrated with each other at times, but it worked out fine and I'm getting my new place put together. All I have left is to get my pictures hung on the walls.
My old landlord was a pain in the ass. I didn't help my cause any though. When I first moved in I signed a 12 month lease. Well that year cam and went and we didn't sign another lease, which I guess a lot of owners do, you just pay your rent and if you want to move you give 30 days notice and your on your way. Well, being younger and stupid, I shredded the old lease, I'm sure I'll get a legal bashing from CJ, but, it is what it is. So my real question is, even if I didn't get rid of it, is that old lease still valid? He kept trying to BS me about certain things that because I didn't have the lease I couldn't really argue or look and see if they where real or what. It wasn't anything big, it was just cleaning the carpet, but that was time consuming and time I didn't have. Long story short, I just bit the bullet and cleaned the carpets before I left, I took the opportunity and cleaned my new carpets too.

Musical Easter

Last Thursday I made the pilgrimage to my musical mass. If that last sentence makes no sense to you, then you need to read some of my old stuff. Anyway, I was going to skip church this year, because I couldn't get chair tickets, the only thing left was lawn, and I'm not a big fan of the grass. However I ended up going with a friend and we went to the lawn, and it wasn't all that bad. I could see everything, it was just a bit smaller, and the sound was great. I'll still prefer chair tickets any day of the week and twice on Sunday's but in a pinch, the grass will do just fine.

Now on to the "review", of all the DMB shows I have been to, this one was the best. The first time I went, it was towards the end of the tour and there wasn't much energy left in them. The next one was the second of a two night show and there where the same results. Now both shows where excellent, so that should tell you how good this one was. The band went through some issues of late and really haven't recorded with each other in a long time. There last album was tracks that didn't make it on some other albums, hence the name "Busted Stuff". Then the band "split" and a couple of them released solo albums. Last year they got themselves a new producer and went to work. The passion was back and it showed to the Virginia Beach crowd. To me they looked like they where having fun again and not "working" and that made all the difference. There where a few favorites that I wished I would have heard but that's alright by me. Because divided by the three I've gone to, I've heard live the ones I wanted to hear.

Also as requested by CJ a long time ago. The best album to check out if your new to DMB is "Crash" it's the essential, in my opinion. "Before These Crowded Streets" is next followed by either "Live at Folsom Field, Boulder Colorado" or "The Central Park Concert". The concert albums are all great, you really can't go wrong with them. Plus they go out a little further when the tapes are rolling. It's the best way to experience the band. The new one, "Stand Up" is good, but wouldn't make any converts to the flock. There are a few good tracks to check out though, "American Baby", "Louisiana Bayou", and "Hunger for the Great Light".

Until next time...

On Holiday

Well if anyone is still out there reading, I'm out for a week. So check back next Monday and we'll resume. Also I hereby swear to have something at least once a week. Some weeks may have more, but there will be something to start your week every Monday.

Bourbon Breakfast

We called it quits
I took a trip
To the Crescent Town
I wondered streets
I pounded bars
I tried to drag me down
I had Bourbon for breakfast
You wouldn't escape my mind
I had Bourbon for breakfast
All it did
Was stop the time

Hi Q

Your IQ Is 90
Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average
Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional
Your Mathematical Intelligence is Below Average
Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

http://www.blogthings.com/quickanddirtyiqtest/

It hurts to see "Below Average" up there...

Little Boy Blue

I have returned from Florida, where there was two days of sun in seven.
I found out when I got home that a Brother In Arms has died. It wasn't on the battle field, it was in a hospital room and the cause was heart failure. Amazing how such little things can end such big lives. So tomorrow I will dawn my Dress Blue Uniform and attend a full honors funeral. I got to thinking about this uniform earlier and I have worn it for many occasions. I wore it for one of the three happiest days of my life, my wedding, and now I will have worn it for one of the saddest days of life, a funeral. I have worn it for social functions where I pretended to be something I'm not and pretended to like all the people around me, and sometimes I didn't pretend to well and told them what was really on my mind. I've worn it for ceremonies that welcomed those newly joining and those that are retiring. No matter what the occasion, or who the person being honored or buried the only thing they all have in common is me and my Dress Blue Uniform. Some of the items of the uniform have been changed, (rank, ribbons, medals, badges) some remain the same, but the person inside it, both happy and sad, is me.
Now you may be asking yourself, "What's the point?" and if you are then to your query I say, "I have no damn clue." I don't know what that means. Maybe it's like a poem, each will take away your own meaning, maybe it's me rambling as I often do. I don't know and don't much care, because, after all, this is mine.

And for the record: I have not lost motivation. I do know what I want. And don't we all look for a better "deal" to better this thing called Life?

Robert Allen Zimmerman

I've become a listener of Bob Dylan, Robert Zimmerman at birth, more and more as the years go by. So in a ground breaking event, I give you, Gentle Reader, a Rant like none other. A complete quote:

Tangled Up In Blue

Early one morning the sun was shinin' /I was layin' in bed /Wonderin' if she'd changed at all /If her hair was still red. /Her folks they said that our lives together /Sure was gonna be rough /They never did like mama's homemade dress /Papa's bankbook wasn't big enough /An' i was standin' on the side of the road /Rain fallin' on my shoes /Heading out for the east coast /Lord knows i've paid some dues, getting thru /Tangled up in blue.

She was married when we first met /Soon to be divorced /I helped her out of a jam i guess /But i used a little too much force /We drove that car as far as we could /Abandoned it out west /Split up on a dark sad night /Both agreein' it was best. /She turned around to look at me /As i was walkin' away /I heard her say over her shoulder /"We'll meet again some day, on the avenue /Tangled up in Blue''.

I had a job in the great north woods /Workin' as a cook for a spell /But i never did like it all that much /An' one day the ax just fell /So i drifted down to New Orleans /Where i's lucky to be employed /Workin' for a while on a fishin' boat /Right outside of Delacroix. /But all the while i was alone /The past was close behind /I seen a lot of women /But she never escaped my mind an' i just grew /Tangled up in blue.

She was workin' in a topless place /An' i stopped in for a beer /I just kept lookin' at the side of her face /In the spotlight so clear /An' later on when the crowd thinned out /I's just about to do the same /She was standin' there in back of my chair /Said to me "Don't i know your name?'' /I muttered somethin' underneath my breath /She studdied the lines on my face /I must admit i felt a little uneasy /When she bent down to tie the laces of my shoe /Tangled up in blue.

She lit a burner on the stove /An' offered me a pipe /"I thought you'd never say hello'', she said /"You look like the silent type'' /Then she opened up a book of poems /An' handed it to me / Written by an Italian poet /From the thirteenth century /An' every one of them words rang true /An' glowed like burning coal /Pourin' off of every page /Like it was written in my soul from me to you /Tangled up in blue.

I lived with them on Montague Street /In a basement down the stairs /There was music in the cafes at night /An' revolution in the air /Then he started dealin' with slaves /An' something inside of 'em died /She had to sell everything she owned /An' froze up inside. /An' when finally the bottom fell out /I became withdrawn /The only thing i knew how to do /Was to keep on keepin' on like a bird that flew /Tangled up in blue.

So now i'm goin' back again /I got to get to her somehow /All the people we used to know /They're an illusion to me now. /Some are mathematicians /Some are carpenters wives /Don't know how it all got started /I don't know what they're doin' with their lives. /But me i'm still on the road /Headin' for another joint /We always did feel the same /We just saw it from a different point of view /Tangled up in blue

Abuse?

Newsweek ran a story that claimed Americans had desecrated Korans in front of the Muslims being held in Guantanimo. That story turned out to be false (Oops!), and even if they did, so what, but I'll get to that in a minute. Riots started around the Middle East because of this and people died. I'll say that again PEOPLE DIED! We then tell these clerics "Wait, wait! Nothing happened!" They say, "Doesn't matter! Too late now!" Where do these jackoffs get the free pass, how are we the bad guys in this? They are cutting off people's heads. Aid workers, people going there to help and they kill them. But we are the bad guys, right Big Media? I'm so sick of this media hatred for this administration that they will make up stories to try to make them look bad. This is the second time this has happened, that I know of. CBS and Newsweek both have viewers and subscribers in the millions. They are very influential and they feel that they can just make up things as we go along all while criticizing the administration for sending us to war on "lies". Well being a little hypocritical aren't we?

Now about this Koran desecration. So what? Marilyn Manson used to tear up a Bible during his stage show, no one really got upset about that except Christians, but what do they matter? Coddle the Muslims, hate the Christians, it's the latest fad. If I have a choice of tearing up a religious book and getting information that saves my countrymen, give me some scissors and a shredder. I'm done listening to these whackos complain that prisoners are being roughed up a little or deprived of sleep or whatever else. What happened at that prison in Iraq was not abuse, that was hell week at a fraternity. Remember those high school girls who did a little initiation on their team mates by throwing feces at them and getting it in their mouths while Mom and Dad stood around and laughed. That, my friends is abuse, and those where high school kids.

The values in this country are as hosed as these Muslim assholes who we are trying to coddle. They hate us and want to kill us. There is no talking. There is no surrender. There is nothing that we can do except protect ourselves and take them out before they take us. Now I hate saying that. I have become quite the non-violent type lately, but these people scare me. If any of you have a doubt as to why we are doing what we are, I will happily send you pictures from 9-11-2001, that shows people jumping out of the World Trade Center, and we're talking close ups of these jumpers. But wait there's more, you'll also get close ups of a hole in the side of an United States Navy ship (That we didn't retaliate for. Thanks Bill). And if you call in the next ten minutes we'll also include images of bloody service members being pulled out of the Pentagon and for a limited time only, links to the videos of aid workers losing their heads. I've seen these videos and I've vomited afterwards along side of the other analysts, but I think that all of America needs to see them and think about losing your head with a dull knife.

"Wait! Stop! The story was wrong! Newsweek was wrong!"
"Well too late now!"
"Really? Well F-You!"

Random!

I have nothing to write about so I figure that I'll write about just that, nothing. My life is pretty mundane lately, not much exciting happening. I managed to rake my entire yard free of pine needles and with five pine trees that is a big feat, so I should be excited about that. I started going to the pool and swimming every other day, it's quite the work out. I hate going to the gym and working with weights because it's always such a "who's is bigger" type feeling and I hate that. I'm going to start taking classes again during the "summer session" so I can get this damn degree off my back. Sometimes I think that I should have gone to school full time, but I'd probably just party to much or something, so maybe it's better that I didn't. The last Star Wars comes out next week. I'm looking forward to that, I'm not a huge Star Wars geek, I just watch them for entertainment and not a way of life. Some kids, and adults now, just go way to far off the deep end when it comes to Star Wars and Star Trek, I think the Lord of the Rings now has a cult following just like the other two. Very strange to me, but hey what ever. I enjoy the movies and books, but I would never live my life according to George Lucas, J.R. Tolkein, or Anne Rice. If I had to pick a life director, it would probably be Anne Rice, since that's the one I follow the most as far as making sure I see/read all work. Dave Matthews Band has a new album out, I guess they call them CD's now, but album just rolls better, in my opinion. I've heard one track and I like it, so I'll probably pick the whole thing up this week or next. Well if you can think of anything else, let me know...