Monday, January 16, 2006

Get Off My Fence!

Jealousy is a mother isn't it? Here I am jealous of someone's lifestyle who I'm sure is just as jealous of mine. I'm sure that not everything I'm told is true, but it makes me jealous and I think that my jealousy makes them happy in some strange way. All the while, they are feeling the same way I am. Yet, here we both are wanting what the other has and not getting it. People always take what they have for granted, it's human nature I think. The grass is always greener, but, when we jump the fence we land in cow shit most of the time. So why then do we keep fence hopping yard to yard? I guess you could argue that if we don't we'll never advance in the world. If we were not willing to take a chance we would be stuck in our "Allentown" for the rest of our lives. Content with our spouse, 2.5 children, cat, dog, three bedroom, 1 and half bath, white picket fence house, but we would never take our nuclear family and move them to that house on the hill. There is a flip side to that coin though, we always run the risk of making a bad choice and jumping not only into the cow shit but the junk yard dog as well. Some people can use those as learning experiences and know not to go into Old Man Johnson's yard anymore, but some of us get stuck there and don't know how we got into that scary place. So here I am writing to people I don't know are reading except for two and one of them I know very well, while the other I'm trying to reconnect with, reconnect because I think I hopped the wrong fence. The past always has that effect on me, I like to say I don't regret anything I've done, but I think I do more than I want to admit. I ask the higher power, who ever it may be, why did certain events happen to me, why did I go left and not right and the other way around. I've been told that you shouldn't do that and it's not good for you, but F.O. because I am doing it and will continue to do it, it's me, it's Adam. I still keep plugging away at life and I keep an eye on what is behind me, but I don't walk backwards. Maybe along the way I can right the wrongs and who knows what gate may be opened up to me and I can walk into the yard instead of risking bodily harm by falling off the fence. I know that I'm on the right path and that I'm destined to be better than the one I'm jealous of, but sometimes you wonder. That yard has all the toys and latest swingset and all the kids are laughing and playing games, while my yard is small with only a couple kids and a rusty swing set. Let's flip the coin again and look at it from their yard, they may be thinking that all those kids are only there for the new toys and superior swing set and that the few kids on the rusty set seem to be having so much more fun, because they really are friends and not just yard crashers who will move along when the next model swing set comes out in someone else's yard. Then again maybe none of this makes any sense to anyone who happens to stop by and it's just the merlot talking. At least I know what I'm talking about though...

"Turning back, she just laughs, the boulevard is not that bad"
"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had"