Not A Great Poet (Lorena's Song)

Just a note about this one, I've been sitting on this for a while trying to decide if I should publish it or not. I figure that I've kept nothing else from you all, so why start now? This was adapted from a letter that I received this past summer, so I can't take all the writing credit on this one, she did most of the work, I just made it rhyme. I was burned pretty bad and this might hurt, but maybe publishing it is the best way to get over it, I guess we'll see... -Adam

Everyday I look above
And I thank God
I'm blessed with our love
The very thought of how
You turned my life around
Leaves me breathless
And without sound
I don't deserve
What you give me everyday
All I can do is show you
There are no words
I can say
I can be what you want
I can be what you need
I've got plans for us
Someday you'll see
Where there's a will
There's a way
We will be together soon
No more separate days
I swear it's the truth
My heart's on display
I'll never hurt you
I'll never run away

These may not be the words
Of some great poet
Even if it takes a lifetime
I'm going to show it
Someday you'll see
What the chance to love you means
Never change who you are
In my sky you're the brightest star
I will make any sacrifice
I will go anywhere
To be by your side
And to treat you with care
They may be your past
But I'm your present
With a love like this
Our future is sure to be
Heaven sent

Northern Journey

I've got an image
Running round my head
It's an image I thought
Was gone and dead
Here you came back
Walked in again
Throwing me off track
How did this begin
You didn't stay for long
Just long enough
To bring up memories
I thought where gone
I thought we had a chance
The other night
We locked eyes
While we did our dance
So close and so tight

I've never been so alone
Since you've made your way
I'm feeling more alive
With every passing day

There's places
I can go
There's people
I can know
I've got no one
To stop me
I've got nothing
I can't be
Maybe I'll go
Back to school
Maybe I'll jump
Off that ledge
Into that pool
I've been so scared
I've never dreamed
I've never dared
To bring to life
All that could be

I've never been so alone
Since you've made your way
I'm feeling more alive
With every passing day

I'm going home
To the north
I'll watch the snow
Go back and forth
I'll sip away
All my pain
I'll watch the ice
As it turns into rain
I won't think of you
Anymore
I'll wipe the sweat
From my pores
When I'm through
I'll close the doors
And shut out the life
I had with you

Mind Fuck

Hey little lady
I see you with him
Dreaming dreams so sweet
Take a look I'm outside
Wandering the street
I'm coming in to take your thoughts
On a little trip
Your sweet will turn sour
Those dreams I'm going to flip
I'll sneak into your mind
When you least expect
I'll take you for a ride
There is no need to run
There is no need to hide
Please don't be scared
You don't have to cry
Why should I worry
Why should I try
You did what you had to
Are you satisfied

Love is the end
Love is a friend
Love will offend
Love will mend

You think that you're happy
You think you have joy
I'm sneaking in your head
Your bliss I will destroy
I'm creeping 'round your mind
I'm sure you never thought of this
When you left me here to die
I don't care what you're doing
I don't care what he says
If he has any sense
He'll stay out of my way
I'll drown you both in
Sorrow, misery, and pain
My love is gone
Thanks to you it has been slain

Love is the end
Love is a friend
Love will offend
Love will mend

What's the point of love
Do you like your love
Do you miss my love
Are you falling in love
Are you happy with love
Do you feel the love
I can't stand the fucking love

Coward

Hello young lady
You're looking great today
I'd love to get to know you maybe
But I have no words to say
See, I'm recently broke
I'm out of service
My life is such a joke
I just need some time to get over this
I want to be
Everything you need
But when I look at you
I see
The one that left
My heart to bleed

I see you everyday
Just can't build up the strength to say
I want to ask you out
I'm full of fear and doubt
I only need some time
Before I try to make you mine

Good morning to you
Lovely weather
I really like those shoes
That's a pretty sweater
I love you in blue
All these things
I want to say
Plus a few more
I just turn away
And go through my door
To ponder what to say some more


I see you everyday
Just can't build up the strength to say
I want to ask you out
I'm full of fear and doubt
I only need some time
Before I try to make you mine

It's been a few weeks
This time I know
I'm not feeling so meek
This time I'm going to show
How I really feel
No more hiding behind
The one that left
I've got you on my mind
Now you will see
How confident I can be
I'm ready
Here you come
I just hope
I don't sound dumb

Last Night

Last night
I had a dream
Riding in a car
With Tambourine
We started to climb
I started to scream
We drove across the evergreens
I did not know which way to take
We found out where you congregate
I saw them by the lake
I started to
Jump and shake
They told me
"Come and pray"
I said
"Save that for a rainy day"
Tambourine told me it's time to go
I asked where
He said
"I don't know"
I woke up
Started to cry
Tambourine asked me why
I told him
"I don't want to fly"
"You can do what you want to do"
"But I can't follow you"
He told me
To to make my way
I'm going outside
Outside to play
Just like I did when I was small
My greatest joy
Was the stick and the ball
I didn't wait for someone to call
I had no worries
I had no stress
I didn't have to impress with my dress
Deep inside I think we know
That's the best the world can show
I'm coming out of my dream for real
See what cards life can deal

Over (Part 3)

The saddle is tied tight
I'm leaving at first light
Time to move on
Time for a new song
I may have tried to hang
A tad too long
I wish I didn't
But I felt no wrong

Maybe some other time
Maybe some other place
I could have woke up each morning
To your face
I tried to be angry
But that just isn't me
You went your way
I'll go mine
I know that it will get better
Only get better with time

I can't sit here and say I didn't cry
If I did that
I'd be telling a lie
In this life people come and go
With everyone we pray
For the strength to know
If they're for real
Or if they're for show
If they'll stay
Or if they'll roll
I hope you don't take
What life throws your way
Some of it's good
But some of it's fake

You broke a heart
And yours will break too
Just look straight ahead
And walk right through
Always remember
The darkest night
Brings the brightest day
Never forget
How we used to laugh and play
Hiding like children
During those rainy days

You're a part of my short life
You're with me in my heart
You'll even be with me when
I walk to the light
When the heavens ask me
What on Earth did I like
I'll tell 'em your name
And when I say it
I won't say it with spite

Over (Part 2)

Here I am with me
Only my thoughts
Keep me company
Late nights
Listening to Em and Ani
Both speak the same
"It's over"
Find another game
Now it's time to be angry
Soon there will be no pain
All you have to do is
Hop another train
I don't see one for days
I'm lost in some kind of haze
Or maybe it's a maze
Wandering around blindly
Under the sun's rays
The sun burns me black
I gave love that wasn't given back
Now I'm on the attack

So go back to your 'ville
Take your little pill
Do it all up until
You think you've had your fill
Sit upon your hill
I hope you feel the chill
Now you know how it feels to kill
As Love lay here dying
I'll find another who is trying
To be what I need
Someone who won't do the deed
I hope you'll hate your soul
I hope all of your gold
Is really nothing more than mold
Someday you'll be told
Someday when you are old
All the lies that you have told
To the devil you have been sold

Do you think I'm a little angry
Well someday I hope I won't be
I'll find a way to forgive
I'll continue to live
Don't worry I'll be fine
I can't wait for you to cry

Over

Sitting all alone

Staring at my room
Trying to delay

The inevitable doom
It hurts so bad
I don't know what to do

I'm so sad
Every corner I turn
Reminds me of you

I've got so many feelings
Bottled up tight

I dread being alone
In the middle of the night
I put on a smile
To hide what really is a frown
My mind is racing
I need to slow down
I catch my self pacing
What am I feeling
What am I facing
Anger
Pain
Joy
I've cried so much
I'm going to drown
Everyone knew
Everyone except me
How come I couldn't see
All the bullshit
That she did to me
I couldn't fall again
I spend my life so guarded
I wouldn't get burned
By the Sin
Yet here I am on fire
Riding my street car
Named desire
My thoughts
Come sporadic
I wish
I was an addict
So I could find
A way to escape
Someone is going to see
I need to close the drapes
I don't want to show
The way I feel
Down below
I wish I was a psychic
Find a way to predict
What's going to happen to me
I spent too many
Nights awake
Fighting these battles
Until I shake
I fight every one
Until my fists bleed
They flat out
Fuckin hate me
They don't see who
I really am
They don't see
What I can
I saw what she could be
They just took her from me
I think I'm gonna flip
There's my drink
Take a sip
Smoke another pack
Fuck it
She aint coming back

Parting Shots To My Lost Love

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that was supposed to never let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin."

-Author Unknown

Freezing Summer

I've stood out in the Fall rain
Tried to wash away your memory
All I felt was cold water
Falling upon me

I went back out in Winter snow
Hoping time would freeze
All I felt was numb
From my head down to my feet

I thawed out in the Spring
Surrounded by all that's new
All I felt was the green
Making me more blue

The Summer sun came
It was burning high above
No matter how hot it was
I couldn't sweat out this love

All the seasons come
All the seasons go
All this abuse
Just so you will know

I can't move on with out you
I have no room to grow
I wish you would let me in
I only want to show
What it's like to love you
Just so you will know

Late Nights In Baltimore

James and Wynton

2:00 AM I drink my wine
2:00 AM Would you like to dine
2:00 AM Do I know the time
Jazz comes from the speakers on the floor
Moans come from the girl next door
2:15 Wynton's trumpet wails
2:30 The girl exhales
2:36 Jim Morrison calls
The wine in my blood makes me fall
Rain washes away the lines of chalk
It's a lovely night
Let's go for a walk
Rain will run through our hair
3:00 AM
An insomniac's nightmare


Breached

How can I Love again
You burned my soul with your sin
Now here She comes
Begging to get in
My bars are thick
My walls are high
She loves me so much
It makes her cry
I killed my Love
I watched it die
I burned that Love
I saw the smoke in the sky
Now Love calls my unlisted phone
I check the ID
It says "Unknown"
She promises me that I can trust
However your sins
Still linger like dust
That sits up high on cabinet tops
I can't get it with brooms
I can't get it with mops
Who's that outside
I'm calling the cops
She jumped the fence
She cut the bars
Get here fast
Spin the lights on the cars
She pulls out that Love .45
The bullet cuts through
I won't survive
She points the Love to her temple side
No One Here Gets Out Alive

Was It Safe To Say...Was It Right To Leave

As all three of my readers may know I'm moving to Baltimore this month. In keeping with the traditions of my current work place, I decided to have a going away party at the bar of my choice. I picked a date, picked the place, and sent out the "word". I choose my favorite bar in all the Norfolk Metropolitan area, O'Malley's Irish Pub. Being that I work in Virginia Beach, most of my co-workers live there too. So they would have to make the 15 mile trip to Norfolk. A lot of people said they would make it or at least try to, so I was looking forward to the "festivus".

Friday night comes along and I decide to wear my favorite Aloha shirt and I must say I'm looking damn good. I even show up fashionably late for my own going away party. I walk in about 9:00 PM and there are three people waiting for me. Well, I tell myself, it's still a little early for a night out. Long story short, the same three people that where there to begin with are the same three I closed the bar down with. What the F?

My personality is the type where I can get along with a wide variety of people, and therefore I thought that when I sent my invitation to that same group of people, that a majority would come out, but obviously not. What's strange is that I've always been like this, I've had a lot of people that I know and that know me and everyone seems to be cool with me, but I've never had people call me and see what I'm doing, I've had to track them down. No one every says "Lets see what Adam's up to." It's always "Hey, it's Adam. What are y'all doing." So what is it about my personality that makes me popular with out being popular? Many a times I've been told I'm a good man and that someone was real glad to know me. But no one calls me to go out and do stuff. The older I get the harder it is too, because I'm surrounded by married folks who tend to stay more domesticated when I'm ready to go out and chase. Of course my worries are diminishing the longer I'm with Lorena, I love being domestic and spending the night with my lady, but the friend situation is bothering me a little, I thought more people would come say goodbye.

Was it right to leave? I guess so!

Life Of Love (Eternally)

It started out as bliss
April to June are the days I miss
I still can see our first Kiss
To myself I made a wish
On the field I spilled out fears
We tried to imagine our careers
By The Fountain you shared my tears
We spent the weekends locked up so tight
Our school daze we broke out late night
On a dark road we saw a sight
We vowed to share love for all life

Eternally you used to say
I guess it doesn't go that way
Now I'm here all alone
Clearing memories from this home

By July I was on my way
August our memories fade
September the Image of Love was made
We made our love in Twenty Days
I held you close when you cried
I shared your pain way down inside
I begged alone to make it mine
Nothing could stop our time

Eternally you used to say
I guess it doesn't go that way
Now I'm here all alone
Clearing memories from this home

December brought unforgivable crime
No longer where you solely mine
Unto dark water I cried and cried
No longer was trust in mind
To bring it back I tried in Vain
It never would be same again
New Year brought a miracle sign
He could restore what once had shine

Eternally you used to say
I guess it doesn't go that way
Now I'm here all alone
Clearing memories from this home

Another year came to go away
You went back to your old game
I hid my self in doubt and shame
Said goodbye one hot summer day
Now we're here and your out there
Acting like you don't care

Our fountain
Is now cold and black
Our bench
Is scrapped out in the back
Our Room
Is closed
Our pondIs dry
Our Life of Love
Is dead from pride

Eternally you used to say
I guess it couldn't go that way
Now I'm hereI'm not alone
Making new memories
Making a new home

Sunday Morning Comin' Down

I'm here with my coffee and watching a "chick flick" (Boys on the Side), and I swear the longer I don't have a woman in the house, the more I'm becoming one. Maybe I'm slowly transforming into a schizophrenic, with my alter ego being the long lost woman companion. If I start dancing in front of a mirror in Silence of the Lambs style then there is cause to worry ("Hey mister! Your dog's hurt real bad!"). Now I'm wondering, do schizo's know they're schizo's? If they don't then I'm not a schizo I'm just strange. The other thing we'll have to watch out for is if I start watching The View, that would be pretty bad. I'll keep you posted.

There is, however, light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't a train. I met a girl. Her name is Lorena and we met last Fall at the work place and we talked when we saw each other there, but nothing more. There was always innocent flirting between us and finally we exchanged the usual phone numbers and e-mail. When we would call each other at night we'd talk for no less than an hour. We see each other at every possible moment and we talk every night before we each go to bed. Now all is going very well and I am absolutely crazy about this girl, but because of my past burnings, I am very hesitant to jump into this relationship and I'm always waiting for the world to cave in and get hurt again. It's my own sad little defense mechanism, if I know she's going to hurt me and I plan for such event, when it happens it'll be easier to deal with. I'm trying to tell myself that she didn't do this to me and I shouldn't be so guarded, Lorena tells me that too. She has got to be one of the most understanding and patient girls I've ever met, as hard as I'm trying to be open to her, I still regress on occasion and she doesn't get mad and argue with me she just tells me that it's alright and that helps a lot. I also told her up front that relationships scare me and I'm nervous. I also told her that I want to be open and vulnerable to her, and I am willing to work as hard as I have to to overcome my own fears and I think that helps her in coping with my brick walls surrounding my own Attica prison of my emotions. So yes, I am that crazy over this girl. I just hope that by me writing about it it doesn't jinx it!

Bobby D.

Hey Bobby Dylan
I wrote you a song
You pretty much wrote it
But I'm movin' it along
You wrote it back
In the early 60's
About a man named
Woody Guthrie
It was written for him
But you sang it for me
I heard it once
Comin' from my TV
Hey Bobby Dylan
Won't you sing it for me

Hey Bobby Dylan
I want you to know
What's goin on in the world
As she grows
The hard rain
Is still falling down
It gathers in puddles
All over the ground
Those cannon balls
They're still gonna fly
Those young men are still gonna die
Hey Bobby Dylan
Can you tell me why

Hey Bobby Dylan
Where are you today
I wonder what it is
You would say
If we keep going
Will this river
Keep flowing
Will our minds
Keep growing
Will we find a way

Hey Bobby Dylan
I wrote you a song

Hello, Is There Anybody Out There?

Does anyone still stop by this thing? If so leave a comment and I'll write some more...

Weekdays

I've enjoyed almost three days off from work because my little man has been sick. During that time I've really started to understand how much I enjoy getting out and working or playing. I've got some wicked cabin fever going on. I've taken time off work and some days Quentin and I sit around the house and do inside stuff, sometimes we go out and do outside stuff, but we have the choice and I know we have a choice. Not having a choice makes this whole situation worse! I've done the laundry that I save for Sunday, I've done the cleaning that I usually do Saturday morning. I'll try to look at the bright side of this though, if he's better, than we can have the weekend free of household chores.

I got into a small lighthearted debate with CJ yesterday and I got to thinking, she doesn't like men, I don't like women, she leans to the left, and I lean to the right, maybe we should get our own call in radio or TV show and make us both lots of cash. It would work only if the callers and guests on the show could get either of us to shut up first!

Other than that, I have nothing to rant about.

Adam Cusack

Since the weather here was so nice this weekend, Quentin and I went to the beach Friday and Saturday. We walked around on the boardwalk and the sand, had lunch at my favorite beach restaurant, and got some ice cream, which really made my lactose intolerant stomach do some flips, but it was still fun and worth it.

Today I decided to take out the old camera and head downtown and take some city scape pictures. I ended up shooting three roles of photographs in about three hours. Quentin had a good time bouncing about the city with Dad so it was a good father-son bonding day. We stopped at a deli and had a late lunch and headed back to the truck to get home for the race. Along the way we walked by Starbucks, and I was craving a Cafe au Lait so we dipped in and ordered one for me and a water for Quentin. The wonderful, cheerful folks behind the counter said they had to make a fresh pot, which I will never complain of a fresh pot of coffee, and they would call me when it was done. We headed over to a table to sit down for a little bit and I noticed an attractive girl doing some school work. She looked up and said hello and I returned the courtesy. She went back to her book and I went to get my coffee. While I was at the counter my ever flirtatious son struck up a conversation with our mystery college student, another reason why I love taking my son places. He introduced himself and asked what she was doing, she said she was reading for class. I come to find out she's going for her M.B.A., so she's attractive and educated.

We talked for a while and then Quentin said that he wanted to go home, after walking around Norfolk for a few hours, I didn't blame him. Quentin and I headed out the door all the while her and I keept looking back at each other. We got down the block and around the corner then my mind started working. "Why didn't you get a phone number or something?" "Gee, mind, I don't know!" I looked at my little man and said "Lets go back!" Quentin said "Yeah, lets go talk to that girl again." I love my little man! So we turn around to go back and maybe invite her to grab dinner or something. When I get back to Starbucks, she was gone. Table cleaned off, not a single sign of her.

I looked up and down the street, and nothing. We walked a little bit, thinking maybe she was around the corner and again, nothing. So now I'm having images of each of us looking for each other and we're passing each other on opposite sides of the block and we both give up at the same time and head off in opposite directions. Then images of all the John Cusack movies I have ever seen start to run through my head. I then decided that this is going to be the summary of my love life from now on, The Cusack. When my family asks me how is my love life, I will answer, "It's Cusack."

So, Sarah, if you happen to come across this, hope to see you again, leave a message, give me a call, do anything so I can stop being Cusack and start being Costner.

The DVD In Black

About six years ago I went to a pawn shop in Jacksonville, NC and bought a generic DVD player for $50.00. This year, the Little DVD Player That Could, finally decided that it couldn't anymore. After a couple months of procrastination I headed on down to Best Buy to find a new movie watchin' companion. I wandered around the store, compared bells and whistles, compared prices, and finally settled on a Toshiba DVD/VCR combo. I grabbed the box, a couple CD's, and headed to the register to pay for my new forms of entertainment. When I got home I untangled all the cords and hooked it up to the TV and stereo, so far so good. I then put a disc in to make sure all systems where go (Remote response? Check. Picture? Check. Sound? Check.) so far so good. I didn't watch the whole movie, I just watched long enough to make a function check. The new DVD player sat idle until Tuesday, the whole reason I replaced the other player this week, the shortly awaited release of Walk The Line.

I never got to see Walk The Line while it was in the theaters, and after discovering Johnny Cash's music this past summer, I wanted to check it out both for the subject matter and because of the rave reviews it has been receiving since it's release. Tuesday came around and I picked up the movie, got it home, and put the new DVD player to work, and work it did, for about 15 minutes. The picture froze, which isn't a big deal as long as it recovers and moves along. However it didn't come back. I ejected the disc and tried again, with no luck.
Mr. Toshiba says, "There is no disc in this player!"
"But there is a disc Mr Toshiba!"
"No there isn't!"
Now I'm getting angry! Now I'm starting to curse inanimate objects! I try again! Nothing! I ended up watching my new shortly awaited movie on the 11 inch screen of my portable DVD player, that I got for Quentin and our road trips, propped upon the coffee table, not on my 36 inch TV with surround sound.

Wednesday when I got home from work I packed up Mr Toshiba and headed back to Best Buy. I wasn't angry at the Best Buy folks, as some Oblivions would be, it isn't their fault. I walked to the customer service counter where the associate told me to go get myself another DVD player. This time I decided to go to Sony. While I was looking at the DVD/VCR combos again, I got to thinking, am I really going to use the VCR side? No, I won't. So, single DVD it is. The Sony was $20.00 cheaper than the combo which was put back on my card and I, of course, spent it right away on another couple of Johnny Cash CD's, it just seemed appropriate.

I'm overjoyed to report that the Sony is working like a charm and Walk The Line was a great movie, the story was great and the fact that the actors played the instruments and sang the songs themselves, not pulling a Milli Vanilli, made it all the more enjoyable and I hope it does well at the Academy Awards tonight. I'm also starting to understand why someone once said there are two types of Johnny Cash fans, those that are and those that will be one.

How The West Wing Was Lost

This was something that I've been meaning to write about for a while now, the cancellation of The West Wing. As much as I hate to see it actually happen, I've seen this coming. (Just a note, NBC talked of ending the show even before John Spencer died.) The shows creator, Aaron Sorkin, left the show either last season or one before, either way, when he left the show went down the proverbial toilet. The guy they left in charge of the show is the same mastermind behind the ER debacle. Their idea of television is "the next most shocking moment in television" and they feel they have to throw these things at us to keep us watching. News flash NBC, you don't. I looked forward to that show, actually both of those shows, every week, and that was before the "most shocking moment in television history" that happened every week, that was magically wrapped up by the first 20 minutes of the show and then on to the "next most shocking moment" set up for next week. I tuned in for the characters, the story lines, and the dialogs, that Sorkin was pretty much responsible for. It was smart humor that didn't insult my intelligence, but wasn't above me either. I loved Josh Lymon's come backs:

Donna: You're a powerful man.
Josh:(pause) Yes, thank you!

Donna: How did you know that?
Josh: Because I know everything

I loved Bartlett's strange sayings to the next visitor to the Oval who had no idea what he was talking about, because it was a joke about the previous event that the new visitor had no idea about.

Bartlett: We're getting high on lawn mower exhaust now[or something like that]
Fitzwallace: Are you guys getting strippers or something?

I know that the real White House is nothing like this, but it entertained me. The story lines where simple and easy to follow week to week. The very first episode dealt with the president falling off his bicycle, the latest "shocking moment" a nuclear reactor problem threatening to blow up half of San Diego. Come on, there is enough crap like that in the world that people are already living with this idiotic sense of fear, that's the last thing they need, more fear from their prime time line up.

So farewell West Wing, I'll miss the early years and I'll have my DVD's and Bravo to keep those memories alive. As for the "Post-Sorkin Era", you've got no one to blame but your producer. NBC do us a favor and kick this guy off your sets. That's two good shows he's ruined.

Answers For Jocelyn (Because I don't know how to work your journal)

High School - Yes we sort of did go to high school together, I was there for one year. If you have your 95-96 edition of the year book, what ever it is called, turn to the freshmen and you will find me listed as Kenneth Pepwick, even though that is no where near my name. There isn't even a kid with that name in the school that year, so it wasn't just a casual mistake of name swapping. That guy flat out didn't exist, but I got his name. I left after that and returned to Pennsylvania.
Skating - I first started watching in 1992 when Kristi Yamaguchi was the phenom at the Olympics and was hooked from then on. Even back then I had a problem with commentators. Caryn Kadavy and I share the same home town.
Dating - I know I don't have to date and I don't have a problem persay with being single. I'm very co-dependent and like being in a relationship. Part of the problem is that I always feel weird hanging out with my friends who are 99% married. I don't know if it's the military or what but a lot of them seem to be married young and even my "civilian" friends are mostly married or in a serious relationship. So I'm always the squeaky third or fifth wheel. That's not the primary reason of course, but it's up there.

So feel free to stop by and leave comments, I'm always happy to know that others are reading.

Life In Lyrics

Pick A Band/Musician and Use Their Song Titles For the Answer

Artist: Dave Matthews

[1] Are you male or female? Jimi Thing
[2] Describe yourself? Some Devil
[3] How do you feel about yourself? Proudest Monkey
[4] Describe what you are thinking right now? Crush
[5] Describe your current girlfriend? Pay For What You Get
[6] Describe where you currently live? Busted Stuff
[7] If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Grey Street
[8] What would you ask for if you had just one wish? Hunger For The Great Light
[9] You know that: So Much To Say
[10] What's the weather like? Typical Situation
[11] If your life was a television show, what would it be called? Stay Or Leave
[12] What is life to you? Last Stop
[13] What is the best advice you have to give? Cry Freedom
[14] If you could change your name, what would you change it to? American Baby

Get Off My Fence!

Jealousy is a mother isn't it? Here I am jealous of someone's lifestyle who I'm sure is just as jealous of mine. I'm sure that not everything I'm told is true, but it makes me jealous and I think that my jealousy makes them happy in some strange way. All the while, they are feeling the same way I am. Yet, here we both are wanting what the other has and not getting it. People always take what they have for granted, it's human nature I think. The grass is always greener, but, when we jump the fence we land in cow shit most of the time. So why then do we keep fence hopping yard to yard? I guess you could argue that if we don't we'll never advance in the world. If we were not willing to take a chance we would be stuck in our "Allentown" for the rest of our lives. Content with our spouse, 2.5 children, cat, dog, three bedroom, 1 and half bath, white picket fence house, but we would never take our nuclear family and move them to that house on the hill. There is a flip side to that coin though, we always run the risk of making a bad choice and jumping not only into the cow shit but the junk yard dog as well. Some people can use those as learning experiences and know not to go into Old Man Johnson's yard anymore, but some of us get stuck there and don't know how we got into that scary place. So here I am writing to people I don't know are reading except for two and one of them I know very well, while the other I'm trying to reconnect with, reconnect because I think I hopped the wrong fence. The past always has that effect on me, I like to say I don't regret anything I've done, but I think I do more than I want to admit. I ask the higher power, who ever it may be, why did certain events happen to me, why did I go left and not right and the other way around. I've been told that you shouldn't do that and it's not good for you, but F.O. because I am doing it and will continue to do it, it's me, it's Adam. I still keep plugging away at life and I keep an eye on what is behind me, but I don't walk backwards. Maybe along the way I can right the wrongs and who knows what gate may be opened up to me and I can walk into the yard instead of risking bodily harm by falling off the fence. I know that I'm on the right path and that I'm destined to be better than the one I'm jealous of, but sometimes you wonder. That yard has all the toys and latest swingset and all the kids are laughing and playing games, while my yard is small with only a couple kids and a rusty swing set. Let's flip the coin again and look at it from their yard, they may be thinking that all those kids are only there for the new toys and superior swing set and that the few kids on the rusty set seem to be having so much more fun, because they really are friends and not just yard crashers who will move along when the next model swing set comes out in someone else's yard. Then again maybe none of this makes any sense to anyone who happens to stop by and it's just the merlot talking. At least I know what I'm talking about though...

"Turning back, she just laughs, the boulevard is not that bad"
"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had"

Ranting

Sasha and the Trash Barge

It's 9:23 and about my bedtime (insert pathetic joke here) but I'm watching the figure skating championships on ESPN 2 (The Ocho! If you saw Dodgeball you'll get the joke) while surfing the web. Q is in bed singing to himself and it's pretty cute in a way, and I can't stop laughing about it, even though I should tell him to get some sleep. I've gone to the kitchen a poured myself a glass of wine and my favorite, Sasha Cohen, is up...a very good performance in my humble uneducated opinion. It's the highest scoring one so far.

I love figure skating, I love the gracefulness of it and watching people do something that I can't do. I hate it when the commentators have to tell me what is wrong with every single performance though. Shut Up! Let me enjoy the talent and the music and I don't care if they missed the skate placement of their triple luggy trachiotomy. I know I couldn't do it, so shut up and let me enjoy it. Talk in between the skater's show, talk while the judges write on their cards, talk during something I don't care about. It's like the time I was in Baltimore staying on my unlce's sailboat, which was docked in the Inner Harbor. There I was watching the sun rise over the downtown buildings, the city was waking up, traffic was starting to move, and it was the perfect summer morning. Those of you that know me know that I love cities. I love high rise glass and concrete. I couldn't have asked for anything better when all of a sudden a trash barge comes rambling along filling the air with some foul smell and horrible noise, I was in Baltimore so only God knows what or who was in that pile making that smell so bad. It shattered the tranquility of the morning. That's what these morons are like to me, shattering the tranquility of Sasha Cohen's performance.

Web Love

While I was on the internet I typed in the wonderful Google box "Dating Sucks" because, well, recently it does for me. I hate being single and as much as I try to convince myself I'm better off alone, I just know I'm not. Sorry C.J., I'm trying and I can't take it. Anyway, I'm going to Pittsburgh next month with a group to go to see my beloved Penguins hockey team. I was all excited about it until someone made a joke, the didn't mean any harm by it, but, it was about me being "El Cinco". What is that? Well it is me because I am going with a group of four, two couples. Two happy relationships and me, Ole Cinco, the spare fith wheel that sits under the mats in your trunk.

As much as I hate being single, I hate the dating game even more; a terrible dilemma, I know. I hate how fake the "dating game" is. Right there, we call it a game. A game is supposed to be fun, this isn't fun. Let's look at a typical first date, no, let's start before that, let's go back to the first impression. Boy sees Girl, Girl sees Boy, in a split second a terabyte of thought goes through each of their minds. Thoughts about attraction, physical features, sub-conscience thoughts about sex, marriage, children; yes it does go that deep with a first impression. We're talking biological stuff now and each of us have instinct to reproduce, even if we never do or we deny those thoughts. So let's say that this person meets your standards, let the games begin. Now you have to get courage to talk to Her, I say her because I'm a Him and because even 50 years post Dwight and Mami Eisenhower, it's still up to the man to make the first move. As I make my approach the first impression is still being made, and I have to not act like an idiot, but not like an ass either. So I strike up a conversation, which is either going to go one of two ways, either complete acceptance or complete rejection. Are we having fun yet? I'm going to give Him the benefit and figure that there is acceptance. Maybe phone numbers are exchanged, here comes some more game day strategy, how long do I wait to call? I don't want to seem like I don't care, but I don't want to seem so desperate. Girls like assholes, so maybe I should act like I don't care, but I really like her. Two days, no wait, make it three, yeah three, good solid odd number, but I really want to talk to her...oh fuck it, it's probably the wrong number anyway. Am I starting to sound like a John Cusack movie yet? So you call, how many days you waited is up to you, and you get the dreaded voice mail (please insert some heavy dramatic music), her message starts telling you how she can't come to the phone right now, yadda, yadda, yadda. Meanwhile your head is racing, what do I say? Your back to the good guy/asshole routine again. Should I leave a message at all? I'll just hang up and...Too late! BEEP! "Duh Duh Uhh this is ____ Just calling you, uhh, I guess your not around (No shit dummy, hence the voice mail) I guess I'll talk to you later or you can call me...Uhhh, bye." Oh the Mighty Case struck out. What an idiot! Guess what Gentle Reader? We haven't even got to the first date yet and we're assuming that He even had the courage to talk to Her in the first place and not go back to his hole and say how hot she was. Welcome to my world!

Granted that was an elaboration, but not to far from the truth. Some of the articles I read are telling me all these dating "rules" that contradict eachother and tell me to put on this fake persona. I'm pretty personable, but also shy. That's who I am. This rules tell me to change who I am to get a girl. Why, so she can find out later that she doesn't like the real me? I have a friend who when he and his wife where dating used to go out a lot. He likes going out, she doesn't, but she covered up this fact to make him happy. They got married and she wanted to stay home. Why was this not brought up earlier? The point is this, let's be honest up front and make the world a lot easier to date in. Take my situation of parenthood in to account and it gets even worse.

Of course when I'm not looking, then she'll be there. What a bunch of crap that is. How do you take a hopeless romantic and tell him to stop looking? Maybe that's a question that can never be answered, but who the hell knows? Maybe She does...

Quiet Observations

I'm sitting at work drinking my coffee and pondering life's meaning. OK I'm not pondering it's meaning, but I'm in a quiet mood today and for those that know me pretty well know I'm not always quiet. However because of my quiet mood I'm being bombarded by questions as to the state of my well being. "Are you O.K.?" "Is everything alright?" "You don't seem like your normal self, anything you want to talk about?" While I appreciate the concern it really isn't needed. Can't I just be quiet and thoughtful for a day instead of loud and proud? If I come across someone who doesn't show signs of wanting conversation for what ever reason I tend to just tell them I'll talk to them later and leave it at that. Every time I'm quiet I get the inquisition. I don't really have a reason for my quietness, I've got stuff on my mind, but nothing that I would lose any sleep over and certainly nothing that I would share with people I see at work.

Which makes me think of something else. We spend more time with co-workers than we do our own families, yet they are some of the people we know the least about. How odd is that? One would think I'd know more about these folks because my desk is right across from theirs and we damn near stare at each other all day, but I couldn't tell you very much about them, not much more than what the pictures on their desks give away. If you where to look at my pictures and try to figure out what I was all about you'd probably guess I'm a parent because I've got pictures of the boys. You'd figure I'm a race fan, because I've got a picture of Stewart that I got out of a race magazine. I've got a Snoopy comic strip, some funny quotes and pictures, three fortune cookie papers, and a group picture of my command. All together that doesn't even really start to tell you who I am, strange how that works. Maybe I should find out one new fact a day on my co-workers, but then I may find out something I don't want to know. Maybe I'll leave things the way they are.